Jeez, it’s been almost two years since I’ve posed anything on this blog. Then again, it was originally designed just as a place to archive my published work, and I haven’t been writing for any magazines or newspapers over the last couple of years, so no surprise there. But, just to toss a little fun into the world…there’s always more email stupidity to share….
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“We are on our honeymoon. My new wife is a bit of an artist and has an eye for design. She will not eat from plates that do not fit her personal tastes, nor food that is on the plate in a design that she doesn’t find suitable. Before we book, would you please send photos of the plates and the dishes you’ll be serving and she’ll provide the feedback necessary to have them meet her standards. Looking forward to enjoying our experience with you.”
“I’m sorry, we have no space available for you the dates you’re asking about.” [And jeez man, good luck in that marriage, you’re gonna need it.]
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“I didn’t really care for last night’s meal. Starting from the fact that I hate Peruvian food and don’t really like Italian, and I was hoping your place, since those are your specialty, would change my mind, but you didn’t. As such, your restaurant and you as a chef are a failure in my mind. Perhaps you should contact another chef to come in and show you how to cook those cuisines in a way that would make it so someone like me would find them palatable. I mean, it’s just an amateur’s opinion, but you asked for feedback.”
I don’t even have a response to this one. I just filed it away in the appropriate place.
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We have a standard procedure for after someone requests a reservation and we accept it – we send them a detailed reservation confirmation and also a separate link for paying their deposit. If we haven’t heard back from them after 3-4 days, we send an email just confirming that they got both, as sometimes things get caught up in spam filters, or simply lost in the shuffle of day to day email inundations. If we still haven’t heard from them after 7-8 days, we send them a polite cancellation notice. Amazingly, I would say 8 out of 10 times, we get a response to the cancellation within an hour or two, apologizing and re-asking for the reservation, that things got lost in the shuffle of life, which we almost always do. 1 out of 10, we never hear from again. The last 1 out of 10 go something like this one….
“I don’t know how you run a business being so pushy and rude as to simply cancel someone’s reservation that they asked for. I’m a busy person, and it was on my list to get back to you, but I just hadn’t gotten to it. I expect you to immediately restore my reservation or if not, provide compensation.”
“First off, while I understand that people like you are busy, so are we, and we waited a full week before cancelling, it’s not like we only waited a day or two. All we would have needed would have been a quick email saying that you’d get to it shortly and you were still planning on keeping the reservation. But we’d be happy to put your reservation back on the books, though at this point, as the date you wanted is coming up this weekend, we’d have to have your deposit today or tomorrow.”
“See, that’s what I mean by pushy and rude. I’ll get to it when I get to it. You can wait. Your timetable means nothing to me.”
“Well, with apologies then, I’m not going to put the reservation back on the books, I have my business to run. Let me turn this around for you [I knew from his reservation request that he was an attorney.]… As a lawyer, if someone called you up and said they had a court date in two weeks, and wanted to hire you to represent them, I’m going to assume that you’d ask them for a retainer of some sort. And if after three or four days you hadn’t heard from them again, you might try to reach them to see if they still wanted you to represent them. And if you still hadn’t heard from them after more than a week, with the court date just a few days away, you’d probably take them off your planned calendar. And if they then called you again a couple of days later and demanded that you still represent them, and “maybe” they’d pay you or maybe not, you probably wouldn’t take their case. Would that be about right?”
“My time is valuable and can’t be wasted on people like that. I have a real job. You’re just a cook with a home business, it’s not the same thing. Your little hobby has no value to society.”
“My time is just as valuable to me as yours is to you, my “hobby” is how I earn a living, and, historically, a whole lot of people have said much the same thing about lawyers and their value to society. Have a nice time in Buenos Aires.” [Isn’t that a nice way of saying “Fuck you!”?]
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The setup: On our online reservation form, we have a statement above it that says “other than for private events, we don’t offer vegan, gluten-free, or dairy-free options at our communal table dinners, nor onion/garlic/chili free – we use a fair amount of all three of those”, and in the form itself, “Any food allergies or dietary restrictions?” Guest makes a reservation for 3 people, roughly a month ahead of time, indicates “N/A” in answer to the question on the form. The day of the reservation, I receive an email…
“Just confirming that we’ll be there tonight, with bell’s on, and that you have a vegan option available for us?”
“I appreciate you confirming, on that we’re all set, however, we don’t offer a vegan option, and you had indicated that you had no dietary restrictions that we needed to consider. I’m afraid we don’t have a vegan menu – everyone eats the same thing, and the menu is already in progress.”
“We don’t consider being vegan to be a restriction, and by law you’re required to provide us with vegan menu items. We expect you to do so.”
“First off, no, we’re not required by law to do anything of the sort, certainly not here in Buenos Aires, and I somehow doubt that it’s true wherever you live either. Second, we did ask, and your response to our question was “N/A”. While I appreciate the philosophical point of view about whether being vegan is restrictive or not, it’s an obvious question on a reservation form for our menu planning purposes. Sorry, but we have no vegan option, something that we also stated upfront.”
“Restriction is obviously a trigger word, and you know that, being queer and all. I would think you’d be more sensitive about things like this and not be so anti-vegan. Since you’re refusing to let us come to dinner, send us back our money right away, and I think you owe us reparations for oppressing our lifestyle.”
“One, not refusing to serve you dinner, just not serving you a vegan dinner, you’re welcome to come, there just won’t really be anything for you to eat. Two, not anti-vegan, just don’t offer it as a menu option at our communal dinners. Three, being gay has nothing to do with being vegan (and, since we’re on the topic, I find “queer” to be an offensive trigger word). Four, if you don’t come, your deposit is non-refundable, as you agreed to upfront. Let me know if you plan to come.”
“We’re obviously not coming and we’ll be contacting our credit card company to get the money back. You obviously aren’t woke if you find words like queer and fag offensive you should own them with pride. You haven’t heard the last from us.”
Other than an attempt to get the deposit reversed, which the credit card company sided with us, we haven’t heard from them again. Funny how this whole trigger and woke thing only applies to the labels applied to yourself, not the ones you apply to other people.
