Book II of Samuel picks up after the death of Saul and continues with the story of David. I believe it continues to the start of the story of his son Solomon. I guess his claim of not having sex with his wives in order to maintain purity is refuted, assuming he’s the father. I found it interesting, going through the first book, which is touted to be a compilation, primarily, of the writings of the prophet Samuel, since Samuel dies midway through the first book. Are we now into spirit writing?
- When Saul died, on the previous page, it was asserted that after asking his armsbearer to kill him in his last moments, the armsbearer refused, so Saul threw himself on his own sword in order to avoid having an enemy soldier kill him. But now, we have a young man, disheveled, arriving at David’s camp. He claims to have been present for Saul’s last moments, and that Saul, seeing that he was an enemy soldier, opened himself up to being killed by the young man. This youngster then took his crown and armband. He brought those to David, to let him know that Saul, and his sons, are dead. This seems strange behavior for an enemy soldier, and something seems amiss to me. David is distraught, after all, the love of his life, Jonathan, is dead. In his rage, he kills the young man. Then the rest of the page is a dirge he composed in the moment as an elegy to Saul and Jonathan (the other two brothers are not mentioned). It ends with,”My brother Jonathan, You were most dear to me. Your love was wonderful to me, more than the love of women.”
- I love the time jumps in the Talmud. We are now “sometime afterwards”, and David has talked to God and gone to Hebron, and been declared the local king. But king over just one community isn’t his goal, it’s king over everyone in Israel, and he sets out to do that. Meanwhile, Abner, the power behind Saul’s thrown, has gotten all the northern tribes to declare one of Saul’s remaining sons as king over all of them. A few hundreds or a thousand of each side come together one day to confront each other. “Let’s dance…” is the approach. And a dozen seasoned warriors from each side grab ahold of each other, and in a weird murder-suicide ritual, simultaneously kill each other. Then the battle starts in earnest, Saul’s side losing 360 men, and David’s side a mere 20 (there’s a numerologic thing about 18 going on). There’s a chase scene, ending with Abner killing the youngest son of David’s right-hand man, after futilely trying to warn him off. Then a hilltop confrontation where Abner calls for a reluctantly agreed to truce, and both sides slink back home under cover of night.
- Abner, Saul’s old right-hand man, continues to work for Saul’s remaining son, Ish-bosheth. One day the son accuses him of sleeping with one of his father’s concubines, a power play to undermine him. Abner protests his innocence. David, meanwhile, is having sons with his various wives. But that’s not enough, he wants Michal, his first promised wife and Saul’s daughter (who he never married, and who Saul ended up giving to another man). He demands it of Ish-bosether, who for some reason, agrees to it. Pissed off from his berating by Ish-boseth, Abner approaches David and offers to bring the rest of Israel under his control. They discuss terms and Abner heads back to get things going. On his way he runs into Joab, brother of the boy he’d tried to avoid killing but couldn’t. Not surprisingly, Joab kills Abner. But that pisses off David, who curses Joab and all his descendants to always have at least one male in the family who is either a leper, has an STD, is poor, gets killed in battle, or is effeminate. I don’t know… like, hmm, Jonathan?
- Ish-bosheth, hears that Abner has been killed. He loses faith that he will be able to maintain his father’s kingdom and takes to his bed. Two of his main commanders take their armies and leave for other regions. The sons of one of them, prior to leaving, sneak into Ish-bosheth’s home and stab him to death, then cut off his head, and slip away to David’s camp, to present him with the defeat of his enemy. David reminds them that he killed the soldier who killed Saul. Then he kills them both, cuts them into pieces and put on public display as a warning. Meanwhile, we are treated to a tangent that Jonathan had a son, who, while fleeing after his father was killed, fell, and is now lame. I assume he’s going to play a future role in the story.
- With the deaths of Abner and Ish-bosheth, David is now the most powerful leader around, and the various tribal leaders of Israel swear fealty to him. But there are non-Jewish holdouts, like the Jebusites around Jerusalem and Zion. David’s army captures those and turn Zion into the City of David, but with a strange ban on anyone lame or blind from entering. Numerous theories have been proposed as to why this is the case, but all seem to want to ignore the possibility that David was just an ableist bigot. The Philistines reappear, and attempt to invade, and, of course, David and his army not only repel their attack, but kill a whole lot of them.
- Remember the Ark? It was left in a home on a hillside for safekeeping. David and 30,000 men set out to recover it and thank those who guarded it. On the march back to his eponymous city, one of the bearers stumbles and actually touches the Ark. God immediately strikes him dead. David’s worried. What if someone, what if he, accidentally touches the Ark. So he diverts their march and has the Ark left nearby to the city, but not in it. God blesses the home of the family that is guarding it, which makes David jealous. He goes and retrieves it and brings it to his city. Then there’s a big festival with music and dancing. David strips down and gets jiggy with it. Michal, remember Michal? The first daughter of Saul, who David finally married? She’s not happy that David’s dancing nude in public. She confronts him about showing off his body, particularly to the slave girls present. He says, my body, my choice. She says, fine, you aren’t getting any, ever. And, they never have sex again and therefore, no children. I’ve got to note, really reading these stories, the various personalities are not those that I was taught. Maybe that’s why we had sanitized readings “to make it easier to understand”. Because David’s pretty much a petty, self-absorbed jerk, pretty much all the time.
- New prophet time, Nathan! God tells Nathan to talk to David and point out that while he’s a bit tired of the Ark moving about in a tent, from place to place, he’s never complained about it. And to point out that David started as a shepherd and is now king. All, by his divine guidance, of course. But, he asserts, David, despite all his success, is just not the right person to build a permanent home for the Ark. No, instead, he will ensure David’s lineage in perpetuity, and one of David’s sons will be the builder of the Ark’s home. Nathan tells all this to David. David talks with God, and is clearly disappointed that he’s not the one to get to build the Ark’s cedar home, lamenting all that he’s personally done to get there, but, acquiesing, after all, who is he, humble little David, to question God’s will?
- David kills lots of people. Philistines, Moabites, and more. Tens of thousands of them, in order to force them to “bend the knee” to him. Lesser kings in the area send him tribute to get in his good graces. This is, according to the book, a just way to rule.
- Remember Mephibosheth? The remaining son of Jonathan, who was crippled while fleeing the massacre around their home? David has one of the last remaining retainers of Saul’s home, Ziba, brought before him and asks if there are any remaining family members out there. Ziba tells him about Mephibosheth and David has him brought. He flings himself at David’s feet in abject terror. After all, David’s been on a killing rampage. But, David assures him, he’s returning all the family’s land and riches to him, and that he’ll dine at David’s table. He also then commands that Ziba and all his family become Mephibosheth’s servants in perpetuity. We are advised, on the side, that Ziba has 15 sons and 20 slaves, and one of the sons is named Mica. I’m guessing Mica will become significant, quite soon.
- David had kept up good relations with the king of Ammon, who basically hired him as a mercenary back in his wilderness days. But, the king dies, and his son, Hanun, takes over. When David sends men with offers of alliance, Hanun’s advisors see it as a threat. Hanun reacts, and debases the messengers, shaving off half their beards and stripping them naked on one side, then throwing them out to return to David. We all know how David’s going to react. He sends his whole army against Hanun. Hanun hires mercenaries from nearby kingdoms. David’s army kills more than forty thousand of the mercenary troops, including their commanders. Then, he pivots towards Ammon….
- Remember when I called David a petty, self-absorbed jerk? Well, now that he’s killed his former friends, he’s laying about on couches and looking for something to do. Something, apparently, is a woman he sees from his roof as she’s bathing. He finds out that she’s the wife of one of his commanders, has her brought to him, rapes her, sends her home. She gets pregnant, so he has her husband, Uriah, brought in from the field and tells him to go home and see his wife, where, he will find out he’s been cuckolded. Uriah feels he’s better staying in the field than going home. David, pissy as always, has Uriah’s commander, Joab, send him out in battle on the frontlines with instructions to make sure he dies. He does. Joab sends a messenger with the report. David happy. Uriah’s wife not. David has Uriah’s wife brought to palace where he adds her to his collection of wives, and she gives birth to a son. God is not amused….
- God sends Nathan, the new prophet to David to tell him a story. A rich man has a flock of sheep as part of his wealth. A poor man has a single lamb, who he cares for as part of his family. The rich man needs to prepare a feast for a visitor. Not wanting to decrease his wealth, he steals the poor man’s lamb for the feast. David, incensed by the story, cries out for the death of the rich man. Nathan says, “Dude, that’s you. God made you king and gave you all the riches, and you stole another man’s wife and killed him.” So God says that David’s punishment is that all of his wives will be sought out by other men, publicly, and David will be shamed for his behavior. Plus, he’s going to kill the new kid that Uriah’s wife just gave birth to. David’s upset and repents, but God does it anyway. Once his new son is dead, David goes back to daily life. When asked by his courtiers why he’s no longer repentant, he replies, “It’s too late, my son is gone, can’t bring him back, no need for more groveling”. Then he goes out with his army and enslaves a bunch of people.
- Like father, like son; the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. One of David’s sons, Amnon, is smitten with one of his half-sisters, Tamar. But, forbidden love and all that. He and his best friend, Jonadab, concoct a scheme. He fakes being sick. When David comes to his bedside, Amnon raves that the only thing that will make him feel better is Tamar’s cooking. So David has her sent to Amnon, who orders everyone else out of the room. Then, surprise, surprise, he rapes her. Only, unlike his father, he doesn’t marry her. Having had his way with her, he now loathes her and has her thrown from the palace. David’s not happy, but does nothing. Her brother, Absalom, also Amnon’s half-brother, plots revenge, and two years later, invites Amnon and all the other princes on a hunting trip. During the trip, he has Amnon killed while he’s drunk. The other princes flee. Absalom flees. David mourns. Karma’s a bitch. Three years pass until all is forgiven and he comes home.
- Remember Joab, David’s commander, the one who handled the wet work for David? He’s back. He sees that David is still brooding over Absalom’s actions, even if they were justified. So, he concocts a scheme. He sends a woman to David with a made up story. She wails on about how one of her sons killed the other in an argument and now people say the other should be killed, but that would leave her without any heirs, as her husband is dead. David decrees that no one will touch her remaining son, he is absolved of his crime. She then smirks and says, so, oh king, what about your son? Same situation, no? David sees the plot and figures out Joab is behind it. So he has Joab send for Absalom, who returns, but for two years won’t go and see David. Then he decides he’s ready and asks Joab for an audience. Joab doesn’t respond (no reason is given), so Absalom does what anyone would do, he sets fire to Joab’s farm. Joab’s response? Gets Absalom an audience with David, where they embrace and all is forgiven. Bunch of sociopaths if you ask me.
- Absalom, now back, wastes no time. He hires fifty mercenaries and then stands at the gate to Jerusalem. For the next four years, every time someone comes to petition David for something, Absalom stops them and tells them their chances of seeing David are slim. But, of course, if he were the person in charge, he’d see them right away and make sure they got justice. He must have been awfully charming for this to work. At the end of four years, he, and all his new found friends, march on Hebron, declaring himself the new king. David, uncharacteristically, doesn’t stand his ground, instead, fleeing with his entire household and loyal friends in town (except 10 concubines, left behind as “guards”). He heads 30km northeast to the Mount of Olives. There, he sends the priests with the Ark back. He also sends servants back to spy on Absalom. Weeping, again unusual for him, he declares that if God wants him in charge, he’ll support him in returning to the Ark and palace. If not, it’s all Absalom’s.
- Vignettes…. 1 – David and company marching to the Mt. of Olives when Ziba, servant of Saul’s crippled son Mephibosheth, approaches with food and wine, saying he was sent to provide for them, while Mephibosheth stays behind to reclaim his father’s throne. 2 – Shimei, a member of Saul’s former clan, approaches, hurling insults and stones at David, saying he’s getting his just desserts for having usurped Saul. David tells his men to let Shimei have his say, after all, it’s God’s will. 3 – Absalom arrives in Jerusalem and is greeted by Hushai, one of David’s best friends, who swears loyalty to him. Absalom challenges this, but Hushai avows he is loyal to the throne, not to a particular person in it. Another of David’s advisors, Ahithophel, swears the same. 4 – On his advice, Absalom publicly rapes the ten concubines that David left behind, making sure everyone knows about it, including David, as his final claim to the throne. Yeah, this is going to go well….
- Contention between the advisors arises. Ahithophel advises Absalom to lead his troops, 12,000 strong, after David and attack his troops and kill him. Hushai says no, David’s too smart to get caught, you’ll just end up killing some soldiers and not David. Absalom (remember, he’s David’s son, this is an attempt at patricide as well as usurping the throne) decides to follow Hushai’s advice. Ahithophel finds out and goes off to his hometown and hangs himself, which seems a bit of an overreaction, no? What we find out is that Hushai is still loyal to David and this is all a setup, and God is still on David’s side. Hushai sends messengers to warn David. Though Absalom is warned that there are spies who are communicating with David, he doesn’t know who. He sends assassins to find the messenger spies, but a local family, Bahurim and his wife, hide them in their well and the assassins don’t find them. David gets the message and he and his troops melt away into the hills.
- David musters his troops and prepares to lead them into battle against Absalom’s. His commanders ask him to stay behind, safe, to command them at a distance. As they’re marching off, he asks them to try to spare Absalom himself, enemy or not, he’s his son. David’s troops kill 20,000 of Absalom’s, and then Joab’s company comes across the him, himself, tangled in a tree by his wayward mule. Joab shoots him with three darts and then sends in ten of his men to finish the job. Joab and his men then hide the body under some stones. He then sends a messenger back to David. Another young man insists on following the first messenger and Joab lets him go. The first one arrives to David and announces that the battle is won, but says nothing about Absalom. The second spills the beans. David is distraught.
- David is wailing away at the loss of his son, and moaning about the troops that killed him. Joab comes to him and says, ‘look, it was a battle, he killed your other son, he was trying to kill you, we did what we had to do. Stop blaming others for your failures.’ David pulls himself together, goes down and thanks the troops for protecting him. He sends messengers to the various Israelite leaders saying he’s coming back and taking over again. They, of course, fall over themselves to either apologize, shift blame to others, or give excuses. He basically accepts it all as long as they acknowledge he’s king again. He rewards those who helped him, but no punishments for those who didn’t. Obsequiousness and intra-court rivalries rear their heads once again. Business as usual.
- Now, of course, not everyone was happy that David was back. And, a certain faction of the Israelites chose to leave rather than “bend the knee”. David, being the petty sort we’ve seen, isn’t having it, and sends Joab and his troops after them. They pursue all those who haven’t sworn loyalty to David and kill them. Meanwhile, back at the palace, David has the ten concubines that he left behind and whom Absalom raped, confined to quarters where they live out the rest of their lives as widows.
- There’s a three-year famine, and David wants to know why. So, he asks God. Way back, God says, David had promised eternal protection to some Gibbeonites who had helped him. And then Saul and his minions came along and killed a bunch of them. David owes reparations. So, David calls the leaders of the Gibbeonites in and asks what they want in terms of repayment. They don’t demand riches or lands, they want revenge. They ask for seven important members of Saul’s family to be sent to them for execution. David says, cool beans, here they are. He spares Jonathan’s son who he promised to protect. He sends seven others, the Gibbeonites impale them on spikes and display them publicly. One of the seven’s relatives watches over their corpses, protecting them from wild beasts. After a week, David collects their bones. He takes those, plus the bones of Saul and Jonathan, and has them buried in a sacred place. Then he goes back to battle with the Philistines, who seem to be producing more giants, like Goliath.
- David offers up a song to God. Remember, he’s the one Saul brought in as the court bard to sooth his troubled moments with lyre and song. Basically, David sings about how great God is, and how he, David, has always followed God’s lead, and God has always helped him. Crushing enemies, defeating foes, killing as many people as God, or he, felt necessary. Yay us!
- David finishes up his ode with a self-tribute to having taken up arms against the wicked, admonishing one and all to do the same. The wicked, from evidence of this entire tractate being, anyone who doesn’t worship both God and David. Then there’s an enumeration of all the various loyal commanders of David’s various troop groups, many of them exalted for the specified numbers of David’s enemies whom they killed. The page ends in what I assume is mid-list.
- God is pissed at Israel and Judah, once again. He tells David he needs a headcount (I find it interesting he doesn’t simply know how many there are). David sends Joab and his men to count all the able-bodied soldiers in both lands. It takes them 9 months. David, for whatever reason, declares to God that he has sinned by counting all the men, and asks forgiveness. Wait, God told him to, this wasn’t his own initiative. God, however, likes simpering humans, and sends a seer who offers David a trio of choices. He can pick either 7 years of famine for the land, 3 months of personally being chased by his enemies, or 3 days of plague. David doesn’t even hesitate and goes for the last. God sends an angel who wipes out 70,000 people on the first day. David repents his selfishness. He asks to switch his choice to the personal one, but it’s too late. Still, he goes and buys a mill, where he sets up an altar and offers up sacrifices until God relents and stops the plague before the 2nd day. And also, stops this book.