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• Pe’ah – “Corner” – Pay it forward
  • This tractate is all about taking care of the poor within your community. On the surface, it comes across as a fair amount of imposition on folk who are involved in agriculture, both in terms of financial burden and extra work. And it certainly requires extra effort on their part. On the other hand, those in other professions have their obligations to the community’s poor, who don’t have extra tasks on their plate, have higher financial obligations that make up for it. Most important, however, is that all of this is about building community, and taking care of those who are less fortunate within that community.
  • Chapter 1 – Most of us are familiar with the religious concept of tithing, giving a tenth of what we earn or produce to whatever entity we recognize as a religious authority. It’s pretty much where taxation came from, it’s just the secular version. In addition, in the world of agriculture, within Jewish tradition, we are obligated to leave the corners of our fields unharvested. There’s not an exact measure, other than “no less than 1/60 of the field or orchard”. The produce of the corners is considered ownerless, and is fair game for the poor of the community, and/or for animals, wild or domestic, to gather and eat.
  • Chapter 2 – They jump right into the nitty gritty here. What happens if you are robbed or lose a portion of your crop? Bandits sneak in and steal grain, vegetables, or fruit, or they’re destroyed by an insect infestation, blight, or other natural causes. Obviously you’ve suffered a loss, and to further expect you to give up a portion of the remainder might well be a hardship that you can’t afford. Harvest what you can, and sell it, and the purchaser, who presumably is in a better financial state than you, becomes responsible for giving a portion of what they buy to the poor, donating to whatever would have been the equivalent back then of a soup kitchen or shelter.
  • Chapter 3 – Is a vegetable garden, or fruit trees in your yard, raised with the intent to feed your own family, the same as a farm or orchard when it comes to leaving “pe’ah” for the poor? As with many things in the Talmud, it depends on the size, and, of course, none of the rabbis agree as to where it crosses the line and becomes liable. It’s pretty much left unresolved, but with a sort of common sense, if you’re raising food for your family, and there’s extra, then you’re obligated to leave some for the poor.
  • Chapter 4 – Things that can be easily pulled out of the ground, like, say, a carrot, can be simply left as is for the poor to pluck. Anything which requires either harvesting implements, like wheat, or would require risk or equipment like a ladder, you are responsible for harvesting and laying out in a way that makes the collecting of it easy for those who aren’t trained to harvest.
  • Chapter 5 – You don’t get to pick and choose who gets the produce left in the corners of your field. Come one, come all. Any person who is, or claims to be, destitute, is welcome to help themselves to that produce, whether you personally like that person or not. This, by the way, introduces an interesting element similar to what’s going on with “identity politics” in today’s society. Someone can simply self-identify as poor and take advantage of community services, regardless of how the rest of the community views their economic and/or social status.
  • Chapter 6 – Harvesting and transport are generally not accomplished in one fell swoop. In this chapter, the rabbis undertake to define what constitutes something simply left behind and forgotten, which becomes fair game for the poor, and something which you’ve bundled and/or stacked with the intention of returning to pick it up and transport it in a second round. Apparently you can’t just mark things off with a sign. Perhaps that was due to illiteracy at the time. Instead the rabbis base things on the quantities left behind. Basically, anything more than a small bundle left off to the side, is not considered forgotten and available for the poor.
  • Chapter 7 – Vineyards and olive groves have their own special rules. When thinning grape clusters from vines, anything that you let fall to the ground is to be left there for the poor. On the other hand, olive trees are pretty much sacrosanct. I’m guessing this might relate to the fact that you don’t just eat olives right off the tree, they need to be processed, and/or pressed into oil, and they ripen at different times. So trees that the grove owner has not harvested are not assumed to be fair game, as they may simply be waiting for full ripeness. And since olives are harvested by beating the branches and collecting what falls, the usual rule for fruits that fall to the ground being left, don’t apply. Basically, the poor don’t get olives other than what the grove owner specifically gives to them.
  • Chapter 8 – If a poor itinerant comes to your door, you are obligated to give them, at a minimum, a loaf of bread. If you offer them a place to stay, it is obligatory to include a meal. If it is the Sabbath, where you can’t expect the person to continue wandering and searching for food, you are obligated for three meals. Interestingly, in refutation of the self-identified poor mentioned above in regard to gathering, this doesn’t hold true when it comes to prepared food or other charity. The rabbis set two hard and fast lines – anyone with enough money to buy two meals cannot partake of the food being offered at the soup kitchen, and anyone who has enough money to buy fourteen meals, i.e., one week’s food, is not allowed to take community financial charity.

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Continue forward to Demai/Doubtful

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Demai – “Doubtful” – Provenance and taxes

• It’s a given within most societies that if you impose a tax, people will look for a way around it. “Demai”, doubtful, as it applies to the world of agriculture, was an exploration of what is to be done when you’re not sure that the producer of produce you acquire has tithed their appropriate amounts, either for the poor, as we saw in the previous tractate, Pe’ah, or as taxes for the community. Whose responsibility is it, and how is it handled?
• Chapter 1 – We dive right in, making it feel almost like this is the continuation of another conversation, though it doesn’t seem to follow directly on the ending of Pe’ah. The entire first chapter is devoted to listing various fruits, vegetables, breads, and oils which are exempt from tithing. We are also advised that produce of doubtful tithing can be used for things like designating the boundaries of an eruv. And, in an image unlikely to be forgotten, and which seems to come out of the blue, we are told that it’s perfectly acceptable to separate out tithing portions while naked. Why this came up, I have no idea.
• Chapter 2 – In what has to be the ultimate sanctioning of scamming, we are told that wholesalers are allowed to buy and sell grain and produce of dubious provenance. Retailers, however, are prohibited from reselling these things. So you really have to trust your supplier, or you could end up buying grain or produce that you’re not allowed to sell. Interestingly, bakers can buy and use grain of dubious provenance as long as they make it into bread or pastries and aren’t reselling the raw grain.
• Chapter 3 – If you find yourself in possession of produce of doubtful provenance, you can feed it to the poor, to laborers, and even to guests. You can’t sell it without first tithing it. If you give produce to someone else to prepare, in specific an innkeeper or your mother-in-law, you’re obligated to tithe the prepared food they give back to you, because, it seems, you can’t trust that they used the produce you gave them, they might have swapped your properly tithed produce for their own un-tithed produce. You know how those restaurant chefs and mothers-in-law are, right?
• Chapter 4 – Even if you suspect that produce has not been properly tithed, if the person who is giving or selling it to you claims that it is, and is someone known to you, you take their word for it. If they are someone unknown to you, you don’t take their word for it unless someone else vouches for them (even if you don’t know the second person). Regardless of your suspicions or even knowledge that someone is lying to you, you take their word for it. That seems to me to be way off of the usual approach to these things.
• Chapter 5 – In a system of producer, wholesaler, retailer, consumer, there’s a built in assumption that whatever government is around is going to want its share from each level in the food chain. So what happens if you’re further along that chain, not the original producer, and you’re just not sure that one or more of the preceding folk paid their fair share? Why, of course, you just pay it all, a little something for all those who came before you. Just in case, you know? I’m sure that went well.
• Chapter 6 – If you grow produce in Israel and sell it in Syria, you must declare both that it was grown in Israel and that you’ve already tithed the produce. Then, the buyer has no tithing obligation, and can trust your word. If, however, you own land in Syria as well, regardless of your claim that the produce is from Israel, the purchaser must assume that you could be lying and haven’t tithed your Syrian produce, and must pay the tithe himself.
• Chapter 7 – If you invite a friend over for dinner, and you know that he doesn’t trust you and thinks you haven’t paid your tithes, you have to tithe the produce and food in front of him, setting things apart for donation to the appropriate authorities. It’s not at all clear that there’s any enforcement of the payment after your friend leaves, and more importantly, why are you friends with someone who has that level of distrust in you?

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Kil’ayim – Mixed Species – Mixing it up in the fields

• This tractate deals with biblical prohibitions of mixing species, such as the planting of seeds, or grafting of different trees to each other, the growing of plants other than grapevines in vineyards, crossbreeding animals, combining a team of different kinds of animals together to work, and the mixing animal and plant fibers in garments. These prohibitions come from Leviticus 19:19 and Deuteronomy 22:9–11 in the Torah.
• Chapter 1 – A litany of, mostly, different species that are not considered kil’ayim, that is, the sages feel are sufficiently similar that raising them together is not an issue under the rules. So, for example, different kinds of beans can be grown together. Cucumbers and melons can be. On the other hand, radishes, turnips, and mustards are considered, while similar, to be sufficiently different as to not be permitted to be grown together. When it comes to grafting, interestingly, while two different fruit trees can’t be grafted together, it is permitted to graft vegetables and vines onto a tree, assuming that would even work, biologically speaking.
• Chapter 2 – Sets out the minimum size of a plot on which only one type of grain or vegetable can be planted – a bet rova, a measurement roughly equal to 100 square cubits, or 225 square feet – so a square plot that’s 15 feet on a side. There must be a separation between the plots that is definite (six handbreadths, or about 2 feet), and you can’t plant similar looking grains or vegetables next to each other where they might be confused with one another. If you want to replant a plot with something new, you have to uproot every plant and till the soil before planting anew.
• Chapter 3 – If you’re going to plant in long rows (minimum length 12 cubits, or 18 feet), you can do that, though any given vegetable needs to be planted in at least two adjacent rows. No single rows of a vegetable permitted, even as a border. If a plant tends to wander in its growth, you have to train the vines or stalks to go in a different direction from its neighbors.
• Chapter 4 – Even the workspace for the workers is measured. If you’re going to have an area where you do things like sort seeds and arrange for planting, that’s within the planted area, it must be a bare area of a minimum of, depending on which sage you ask, 12, 16, or 24 cubits in width or length. This ensures that any seeds that are destined for one patch don’t accidentally end up in another because of wind or other natural forces. Reminds me of the whole Monsanto kerfuffle about windblown genetically altered seeds growing on neighboring farms.
• Chapter 5 – Haphazardly planted vineyards are not true vineyards – the vines must be planted in straight rows, with correct spacing. If you plant vegetables in and around vines, you make an area of 45 vines invalid for harvest. If a vegetable or grape or grain is ready for harvest, you should harvest it then. If you wait long enough that it increases in measure by 1/200th (no idea how this was then measured, and I’m sure no one actually did), you aren’t allowed to harvest it. Or, you could just pretend you didn’t notice it was ready for harvesting.
• Chapter 6 – Apparently, an exception to the rule of no single row planting, are grapevines, if you are planting a single row along a fence line, creating a border around your fields. If you have trees on your property that don’t produce fruit, and you want to leave them in place, perhaps for shade, or decorative purposes, you have to plant your orchards, vineyards, or fields in such a way as to respect their space, leaving a clear gap around them.
• Chapter 7 – If a grapevine or cotton plant has died and dried up, you can’t plant around it without tearing it out by the roots and tilling the soil first. You can, however, use the dried seeds from that plant for replanting purposes. In what would be a victory for Monsanto as noted above, if plants from outside your fields that have either been planted by someone else, or windblown onto your property are growing, you are required to tear them out. If you choose not to, you must pay compensation to the original owner of the seeds.
• Chapter 8 – Yoking together animals of different species to pull carts, or tilling equipment, etc., is not permitted, particularly with regard to related wild and domestic species – like wild oxen and domestic cattle. Of particular emphasis is the parentage of mules, a hybrid between a donkey and a horse. You have to know which parent was the father and which the mother. You can’t mix, for example, a mule whose father was a horse with a mule whose father was a donkey. If you’re not sure, you don’t mix.
• Chapter 9 – No garment or cloth that will come into contact with a person’s skin is permitted to be made by weaving or attaching together linen (fibers made from flax) and wool. An exception is made for camel wool, which can be mixed with linen, no reason given. An exception is made for death shrouds and saddlebags, which can be made of mixed fibers, as long as you don’t handle them directly. Interestingly, while not in this tractate, I know that at some point the rabbis extended the linen part of the prohibition to any plant material, such as, cotton fibers, perhaps in similar vein to extending the whole mother/kid/milk thing to any meat and dairy – it’s all about appearances.

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Continue forward to Shevi’it – “Seventh Year”

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The book of Samuel is traditionally divided into two parts, I and II, easy enough. No particular reason is given, other than perhaps that it just ran on a bit. It’s a compilation of the writings of three prophets, Samuel, Gad, and Nathan, with emphasis on the first. Much of its focus is around the Ark of the Covenant, during years of Philistine oppression, followed by the reign of King Saul and the early story of the history of David, prior to becoming king. Equally important is that Samuel is the last of the Prophets and Judges as national leaders, reestablishing law, order, and religious practice for the tribes; and he is instrumental in the creation of a united monarchy as the leadership role for the Jews.

1. There was a man Elkhanah who had two wives, Penninah with whom he had children, and Hannah, who despite repeated tries, never became pregnant. Penninah, not a pleasant woman, lords it over Hannah, who is miserable. One day Hannah accompanies Elkhannah to the Temple. Distraught, she falls to her knees and prays, silently but fervently, for God to give her a child. She’s so into it that the priest, Eli, accuses her of being drunk, though after her explanation, he wishes her well and hopes her prayer comes true. It does. Elkhanah and Hannah go home, get it on, she gets preggers, gives birth to Samuel, which she says means “Because I asked God for him”. And, she takes Samuel to the Temple and Eli the priest, and dedicates him to the service of God in perpetuity. Burnt offering and all.
2. So, Hannah and Elkanah leave Samuel with the priest, Eli, to raise him in service to God. And, he does a good job of that. But, while doing so, he slacks off on supervising his own sons, how turn out to be, shall we say, ne’er do wells. Not only do they shirk their priestly apprentice duties, but they steal meat from the sacrificial offerings, sometimes even before it’s offered, in order to use the meat to cook other dishes. They treat people poorly. Eli notes all this, but seems to just sort of flap his hands. One day a holy man shows up at the temple, and proceeds to castigate Eli for his lack of fatherly supervision. Eli offers to leave the priesthood, but the holy man tells him that he and his descendants are destined to obligatory temple service in perpetuity, as punishment. Further, he adds, he’s taking over the raising of Samuel. Meanwhile, it’s noted, now that her barren spell is over, and she’s offered thankful prayers to God, Hannah is now regularly getting pregnant and the family is growing. I have no doubt that Penninah isn’t happy.
3. Eli’s getting old. Samuel is still in his care (what happened to the holy man who was going to take over his education?). One night, Samuel hears a voice calling his name. Thinking it’s Eli, he goes to him, but Eli says he didn’t call him and to go back to sleep. This happens twice more, and then Eli realizes that it must be the voice of God, and tells Samuel to answer that he is ready to serve. Samuel does so. God then details the punishment he has in store for Eli and his descendants. Samuel is afraid to tell Eli what God told him. But, Eli insists, saying that if Samuel doesn’t spill the beans, God will punish him. An interesting manipulative choice. Samuel tells him, Eli accepts his fate, as he’d already told God he would. And we get a cryptic “all the things Samuel predicted came true”. Which, I find interesting, because it implies that Samuel’s words, as prophecy, are believed to be his own, rather than him passing on the word of God. More like an oracle than a conduit. And, it raises his own street cred as someone who is trustworthy in his predictions. Thus, the concept of a prophet and prophecy comes to the fore, rather than as past leaders had asserted, simply reporting on “what God said” to the people.
4. God appears to Samuel. We don’t know what was said, but Samuel convinces the Israelites to attack the Philistines. They do so and are soundly defeated, losing 4000 soldiers. They decide they need God with them, so they send a messenger to Eli, back at the temple. He dispatches his sons (the disgraced ones, remember), with the Ark of the Covenant, to join the troops at the battlefront. On arrival, the Israelites cheer and celebrate. The Philistines find out why and are afraid, after all, remember what God did to the Egyptians! The Israelites attack again, and are once again soundly defeated, losing 30000 soldiers! In addition, Eli’s sons are killed and the Ark is captured. A messenger is dispatched to tell Eli, who is sitting at the temple gate awaiting news. When told, he falls off his chair, breaks his neck, and dies, at age 98. His daughter-in-law, pregnant, hearing that her husband and father-in-law are dead, promptly goes into labor, delivers a baby, who she names Ichabod, meaning “The glory has departed from Israel”. She dies.
5. Let’s just say, God is not cool with the Philistines capturing his Ark. First they take it to the city of Ashod, and set it up next to a statue of the Syrian god of crop fertility, Dagon. Next morning, his statue is lying face down in front of the Ark. The Philistines prop the statue back up and next day not only is it on the ground, but its head and limbs have been broken off. And, they all get hemorrhoids. Concerned, they send messages to one and all, and it is suggested they move the Ark to a more secure location, in Gath. So, God gives everyone in Gath hemorrhoids. The Philistines up the security and send the Ark to Ekron. The Ekronites aren’t happy, assuming the folk in Ashod and Gath just want them to die and/or get hemorrhoids too. Which is, well, true. And it starts to happen. All the rulers of the various Philistine city-states get together and, surprise, surprise, decide maybe capturing the Ark of the Covenant wasn’t a smart idea after all, and maybe, just maybe, they ought to return it.
6. Ya gotta love holy men and their divinations. The Philistines keep the Ark for another six months, muttering about it the whole time, then finally summon a bunch of divinatory types. These guys are like, “Are you kidding me? Send it back. Send it back right now.” Of course, there are conditions. The Philistines will need to pay a fine, which the oracles determine should consist of 5 golden statues of their hemorrhoids (I am NOT making this up) and 5 golden statues of the mice that are ravaging their fields. Did we have mice yesterday? They are to load the Ark and the 10 statues onto a cart, hook a couple of cows up to it, and set them loose, letting divine provenance guide their path. Of course, the cows head right back to the Israelites, who chop up the cart for firewood and put the Ark on a large stone. The statues, in a large chest are placed next to the Ark. Although not stated, apparently the Israelites opened up the Ark and checked it out, as next thing we know, God’s killed off 50,070 of them. The people remaining, not so happy about the return of the Ark.
7. So the leaders of the Israelites went and retrieved the Ark and brought it back to Kiriath-jearim, where it sat, on display, for 20 years. At the same time, they continued to display statues and worship other gods, and the Philistines kept advancing. So they went to Samuel and said, what’s up with God? Why isn’t he answering our prayers? And Samuel replies, guys, guys, how many times do we have to say it? Stop worshipping other gods and just dedicate yourselves to this one, 100%. And they’re like, okay, we’ll give it a try. They destroy all the idols and altars of the other gods. The Philistines see this and realize they better attack now, before the Israelite god jumps in. But Samuel offers up a lamb to him, and God’s like, oooh, lamb, I like lamb, and he helps the Jews rout the Philistines. And, they take back all the territories that the Philistines had taken from them over the years. Then, for the rest of Samuel’s life, he’s hailed as the judge over Israel, making his rounds and keeping things in order. This seems a big time jump given where we are in the book.
8. So, we really did time jump, and Samuel is old, and he appoints his sons as judges in his place. History repeating itself – remember, he was raised by Eli, whose sons were scoundrels – Samuel’s sons are too, taking bribes and subverting justice. The leaders of the people come to Samuel and say, look, your sons are trash, you’re dying, we’re tired of this whole judges thing, and that you didn’t see this coming says a whole lot about your prophetic abilities. We want a king. Samuel talks to God, who says, go for it. After all, he says, this is just one more time the chosen folk are abandoning me, their true king, for an earthly one. But, warn them of what having a king will be like. So Samuel tells them he’ll appoint a king, but they should know, kings take slaves and concubines. They create serfdoms, and collect taxes (like the Temple wasn’t collecting the same tithes he warns them about). They’ll steal your land and possessions. The people say, yeah, yeah, we got it, we want a king. Samuel reports back to God who says, do it, let them sort it out.
9. There’s a young man, a Benjaminite, named Saul. He’s handsome, he’s bright, he’s tall. Really tall. Like a foot taller than anyone else around. One day, his father sends him, and a servant, out to look for some donkeys that have strayed from the farm. Saul and the servant search high and low, but don’t find the donkeys. Saul is ready to turn back, but the servant tells him he’s heard there’s a seer, a prophet, in a nearby town. So they go there. And, who should be waiting for them, because he got the heads-up from God? Why, it’s Samuel! God told him to go to this town and this day. As soon as Saul appears, God whispers to Samuel that this is the guy to make Israel’s new king. Conversation ensues, Saul demurs, Samuel insists, they chat long into the night on Samuel’s rooftop. Next day, Samuel and Saul set out for Saul’s home to tell dad all about the kingship and such. Samuel has Saul send his servant ahead so that he can reveal some divine secrets to Saul. I keep remembering that this is supposed to be a bad idea….
10. So, Samuel oils up Saul (hey, I didn’t make this up), and then tells him to start heading home (I thought they were already heading to Saul’s home?). He says that on the way, Saul will be met by men who will tell him those missing donkeys have been found. Then he’ll be met by some other men who are carrying sacrificial items who will give him some bread. Then he’ll run into a group of prophets “speaking in ecstasy”, with whom he is to join and do the same. Then he’s to enter a shrine and sit and wait a week for Samuel to show up. All that happens. Samuel shows up, gathers all the leaders of the people at the shrine, chastises them a bit for abandoning God, reminds them that appointing a king is their idea, has Saul (who is hiding “in the baggage”) brought out, where he stands, tall and pretty. Samuel appoints him king, people cheer, he sends Saul home to his dad. Some other people start muttering about whether or not this is the right guy to be king or not.
11. A group of Ammonites, led by one Nahash, surround a small city, Jabesh-gilead, demanding their surrender and threatening to gouge out every Israeli’s right eye, starting in that city. The folk of Jabesh send word to the leaders of nearby cities. Word reaches Saul. He gets angry. He cuts up some oxen and send it in pieces to all the city-state leaders, saying if they don’t show up and support him in his new fight against the Ammonites, he’s going to do the same to them. And, show up they do, more than 300k strong. Saul, and Samuel, send word ahead to Jabesh, and the leaders there tell the Ammonites, Hey, we’ll surrender to you tomorrow morning, just come to the city gates. The Ammonites show up, Saul, Samuel, and 300k troops ambush them, and pretty much slaughter everyone. Samuel announces that everyone is to make their way to Gilgal, where Saul will officially become king, initiating the first reign of the monarchy over Israel. They do.
12. Samuel stands before the elders. He asks them to announce, in front of God, if he’s ever wronged them, ever stolen from them, ever cheated them. They reply that he hasn’t. So he says, good, look, over and over again in our history, you’ve turned away from God. Each time, it has gone badly, and a hero, judge, or prophet has had to step in and fix things when you realized you’d screwed up. So, I told you that appointing a king was a bad idea, and it would lead to you being devoted to the king instead of God, and we know where that leads. So, just as a reminder, I’m going to ask God for a little demo. And then Samuel asks God to send a massive storm, which batters their fields and homes until they beg Samuel to make it stop. He does. Then he reminds them that he’s getting old, and will soon be leaving them. But, they should just remember, human monarchy or not, the real king over all of them, that they should never forget, is God.
13. Saul gathers 3000 men and routs a prefecture of Philistines. He’s done this on his own initiative, Samuel had told him to hang tight for a week, but he’s bored, and he’s got a bit of self-importance going. When Samuel doesn’t show up on time, he forges ahead. He offers up a sacrifice, and then prepares for war against the Philistines. Samuel shows up and says, wow, dude, I told you to wait, now I’m pissed and God’s pissed. You could have established your dynasty for the future, but now, you’re on your own. Meanwhile, the Philistines gather tens of thousands of troops and start marching on the Israelites and Saul, who finds that no one’s really on his side anymore. He only has 600 men to support him, and no weapons of quality, because they used to get them from the Philistines.
14. Saul’s son Jonathan is an impetuous fellow. He sneaks off from camp with his servant, and decides to challenge a garrison of Philistines himself. In short order, the two of them kill 20 men, and set the rest of the garrison into confusion and disarray. When Saul sees the Philistines are vulnerable, he marches on the garrison with 600 men and slaughters them. For no apparent reason, however, he announces to his troops that they’ll only win if they don’t eat anything until the battle is over. They don’t, and are victorious. However, Jonathan doesn’t know about this, and samples some captured honey. A few of the troops, hungry and tired, follow suit, trying honey, and killing some cattle and sheep and cooking them up. Saul sees this, tells them they have to sacrifice and kill the animals properly. He swears that whoever started this will be put to death. When he finds out it’s his son, he orders him killed, with no apparent compunction. But the troops prevail on him to rescind the order, as Jonathan is the one who initiated the battle that they’ve just won. Saul relents.
15. You’d think by now, the Jews would understand that disobeying God is a bad idea. Samuel reminds Saul that he made him king on behalf of God. God tells Samuel that it’s time for revenge on the Amalekites, who attacked the Jews on their exodus from Egypt. So Samuel tells Saul to gather troops and go destroy the Amalekites – every man, woman, child, ox, sheep, etc., no one and nothing is to be left alive. Saul gathers 210k troops and marches on Amalek. They slaughter all the people, but take the livestock for themselves. Then Saul has a statue of himself erected there. God’s not happy. Samuel’s not happy. He confronts Saul, who tries to excuse it because they were going to offer some of the livestock as sacrifices to God. Samuel asks him whether he thinks God wants sacrifices or obedience? Saul hems and haws and makes excuses for his behavior. Samuel tells him he, and God, regrets having made him king, strips him of the title, and tells him to go back home to his family. They never speak nor see each other again.
16. God tells Samuel to stop moping around, after all, he’s the one who picked Saul, not Samuel, and he’s the one who unpicked him too. He tells him to head to Bethlehem and checkout the sons of a guy named Jesse. Samuel’s worried that Saul will come after him. Why? Because Saul is still out there playing king, even without God’s blessing. So Samuel heads to Bethlehem, checks out Jesse’s sons, God says none of them are the one. Samuel asks if there’s another kid, Jesse sends for his youngest. God says, yup. Samuel annoints… David. And, David gets all spiritual and goes back to tending sheep. Until, Saul, who is gripped by bad juju these days, is advised to find a young man who can soothe his troubled spirits with music and song. Guess who? Yup, David. Saul has him brought to court and indentured to him.
17. The Philistines are back. This time, with a champion, Goliath! Standing over 9′ tall, decked out in bronze armor, with shield and sword. He challenges the Jews, saying that if they send someone out to fight him, whoever’s side loses becomes the slaves of the other. For 40 days he issues the challenge and the Israelites don’t respond. One day, David, who has been going back and forth between tending his dad’s sheep and playing the lyre for Saul (is that a euphemism?), shows up in camp with cheese and bread from his father. While there, delivering it to his brothers who are in Saul’s service, he overhears Goliath. He asks what’s going on, his older brother tells him, “get lost squirt, this is real man’s biz”. David goes to Saul and tells him that he has the power of God on his side, and he’ll do it. David tries to put on armor, but it’s too heavy, so he goes out in his shepherd’s tunic and calls out Goliath, who laughs at him. David declares he’s got God on his side, uses his sling and a stone, and knocks Goliath out, and then cuts off his head. The Philistines run away. The Israelites pursue, and yes, you guessed it, kill them all. David takes Goliath’s head back to Saul, who demands to know whose child this is. I guess the courtiers didn’t tell him where they procured his “soother” from.
18. Jonathan, Saul’s son, appears, and he’s in love with David. They share clothes, they share, well, an implied everything. Saul, meanwhile, requires David to stay fulltime, rather than share with his dad. David continues to go out and kill Philistines on Saul’s behalf. But the people love David and not so much Saul, who gets pissy. He offers him one daughter, David declines, he offers him his other (who also happens to be enamored of David), he declines. Saul keeps sending David out on missions, hoping the Philistines will kill him. David continues to beat every challenge Saul gives him. He even goes out and kills 200 Philistines just to cut off their foreskins and present them to Saul. Saul pushes his second daughter to David. I’m not convinced that Saul’s actions aren’t a father’s gay panic – trying to get him killed off, and the whole take my daughter, stop “being roommates” with my son.
19. Saul orders that David be killed. It’s not clear if this is because he’s upset because David keeps upstaging him in battle or because David’s cohabitating with his son. Jonathan warns David, who hides, while Jonathan talks his father out of killing David. David returns to court, and all is well, until one day, while playing the lyre to sooth Saul’s temper, Saul suddenly tries to kill him with a spear. David evades and escapes and goes home to his kinda sorta wife, Michal (Saul’s daughter), who tells him to flee. He does, while Michal dresses up an idol (wait, even David still has idols in the house?) with a wig, and puts it in their bed. When Saul’s men come to kill David, she tells them he’s sick. Saul orders them to grab him and bring him to court. They discover the ruse. Michal claims David forced her into the ruse under threat of death. Meanwhile, David goes to Samuel, tells him what happened, they go join a group of prophets “speaking in ecstasy”, and start doing so themselves. Saul chases, arrives, and starts doing the same. I suspect drugs.
20. David tells Jonathan that Saul is still trying to kill him. Jonathan doesn’t believe it because his father tells him everything. David asserts it’s true, they devise a plan for him to hide and not attend dinner, and Jonathan to determine if it is or not. The plan is irrelevant. Jonathan realizes it’s true. In a rage, Saul throws a spear at him. Jonathan let’s David know that it’s true after all and he should leave. They kiss, hug, hang a bit (wink, wink), declare their undying love for each other, and Jonathan sends David away.
21. While Jonathan goes back home to his father, David heads out on the run. He arrives at a temple, where the priest recognizes him, but wonders why he is alone. David lies, claiming he’s on a secret solo mission from Saul. He asks for some bread. The priest says he only has consecrated bread, which can only go to a man who hasn’t slept with a woman. David replies that that’s not an issue (further reinforcing my, and many people’s thoughts about his relationship with Jonathan), and the priest gives him the bread. Then he asks if there might be a weapon he can have, and the priest notes that Goliath’s sword is stored there, and given that David slew him, the sword is, rightfully, his. So he takes the sword, goes on to another city, where he is again recognized. Overhearing that the local ruler is afraid of him, and of Saul, he’s fearful that he’ll be turned in. So he starts acting crazy, talking to himself, scratching at doors, and drooling. The local ruler dismisses him as harmless, having clearly gone ’round the bend.
22. David is back on the run, and holes up in a cave. His family, and others who are afraid of Saul, join him there, in total, about 400 people. He takes them to the king of Moab, asking that they be allowed to stay there under his protection. The king agrees. God, meanwhile, has other ideas, and orders David to go to the Hereth forest, in the region alloted to Judah’s tribe. Cut scene, back to Saul, who is sitting on a hillside with his spear, surrounded by troops, searching for David. Doeg, a courtier, tells Saul where David is. He also tells what he’s learned about David’s flight. Saul laments that David, and Jonathan, his own son, have conspired against him. He sends troops to bring the priest who helped David with bread and sword to him. The priest claims innocence, that he trusted David’s word. Saul’s not having it and orders all the priests in the temple killed. His soldiers refuse, but, Doeg, who imagine is a beady eyed sycophant, not only kills all the priests, but all the townfolk. Except one son of the priest who escapes and goes to David to warn him.
23. David hears that Philistines have attacked a nearby city-state, Keliah. He consults with God, twice, who tells him to go drive them out. He does so along with troops loyal to him, saving the city. Offered sanctuary there, he hears that Saul now knows where he is. Checking in once again, God tells him if he stays there, the city’s people will turn him over to Saul in order to save themselves. So he leaves and hides in the wilderness. He moves from place to place each time Saul discovers where he is. Jonathan sneaks out to David and assures him that one day David will be king, and he, Jonathan, will be at his side again, and that even his father know this. Meanwhile, Philistines attack elsewhere, and Saul decides to go handle it with his troops, leaving David alone.
24. Saul returns from pursing the Philistines, to find David has disappeared into the wilderness. He takes 3000 men and heads out in search. One day, he goes into a cave “to relieve himself”. Alone. David and his men are hiding in said cave. David sneaks up behind Saul, but rather than harm him, cuts a corner off his cloak. Impressive ninja skills that one. Then as Saul leaves the cave, David calls to him, saying, look, I could have killed you, but I didn’t, I just took a piece of your cloak. Why are you coming after me, I’ve never done anything wrong to you? Saul, in a complete 180, after months, years(?) of chasing David, says, “Huh, you’re right, I’ve been wrong all this time, besides, I know one day you’ll be king”. WTF? He asks David to swear to protect his lineage. David swears – after all, he’s married to Saul’s daughter, though apparently not sleeping with her, while sleeping with Saul’s son, but not married to him. Saul, mollified, goes home.
25. Samuel dies. That’s it. Nothing further is said. David, meanwhile, is out there roaming the wilds. He hears about Nabal, a sheep rancher, who is busy shearing his flocks, because it’s that season. David recalls that at one time, he helped protect Nabal’s property. So, he sends messengers to Nabal, saying he’s headed that way, and expects some recompense. Nabal tells the messengers to get lost, as far as he’s concerned, David is just a runaway slave of Saul’s. David, incensed, marches on Nabal’s home with 400 men. Nabal’s wife finds out, has her servants throw together provisions for the 400 men, and they ride out to try to stop David. She begs for forgiveness, David accepts, saying it’s a good thing she came out, or he’d have killed everyone related to Nabal. Ten days later, God strikes Nabal dead. David takes Nabal’s wife, Abigail, to be his third wife (along the way he picked up a second one). As best we know, still, given his claims of purity, he’s not sleeping with anyone but Jonathan, on the rare occasion they see each other.
26. Given that Samuel died at the start of the previous chapter, I’m wondering not only why this book is continuing, but what they’re going to fill “II Samuel” with. I also thought we finished yesterday with Saul agreeing to leave David alone and going home. But, here we are again, with Saul and 3000 men purusing David in the wilderness. One night, while Saul sleeps, and supposedly his commander in chief, Abner, is on guard, David and some of his men sneak into their camp, and into Saul’s tent. The men want to kill Saul, to end this. David says no, leave Saul’s death to God, and instead they steal Saul’s spear and water jug. Then they go up to a nearby hill and David yells out to Abner what he’s done, and how Abner has fallen down on the job of protecting Saul, noting they could have killed him. Saul, once again, laments that he has been in the wrong about David, and agrees to leave him alone and heads home. I’m not buying it.
27. David’s not stupid, he knows Saul won’t really stop trying to kill him. So he goes over to the enemy. Literally. He up and heads to Philistine territory with 600 men, and from there spends the next 16 months raiding into Israel. WTF? Each raid he makes sure to slaughter every man, woman, and child in the settlement that he attacks. His own people. And then he dutifully reports back his successes to the Philistine leader, Achish, who’s happy to let him live there as long as he’s doing the wet work.
28. David and his men entrench themselves further with the Philistines, agreeing to join the king’s march on Saul. Now, Saul, after Samuel died, forbid the consultation with ghosts and spirits throughout Israel, though no reason is given. Finding himself under attack, he has his courtiers find a woman who still consults with spirits, and goes to her in disguise. She thinks it’s a trap, but he convinces her to try. Then he has her call up the ghost of Samuel, at which point she realizes who Saul is and freaks out. Samuel’s ghost is not amused at being called upon by Saul. When Saul begs him for help, he says no. He lays out that Saul rejected God’s teachings, and God rejected him, and hey, karma dude… tomorrow you and your family are going to join me as ghosts. Saul’s turn to freak out. The woman who called up Samuel’s ghost offers him a meal before he leaves, which he refuses, but she talks him into it. So we have a brief dining interlude.
29. Having served Achish faithfully for more than a year, David is comfortably ensconced in the military command. But here, in this new battle, the other Philistine leaders only remember him as David who killed tens of thousands of them in the past. They don’t trust him. Achish tells David. David objects, pointing out how faithful he’s been since his defection. Achish hints at a sort of once a defector, perhaps again a defector. David takes his men and heads back home to sulk. You just know this is a plot setup, right?
30. Meanwhile back home, while David, his men, and the Philistines were head out on conquest, the Egyptians have raided. They’ve carted off all the women and children, all the livestock, all the riches. My first thought… you didn’t leave any troops guarding the city??? David’s men are pissed, but after checking in with God, he takes 600 men, leaving 400 behind as guards (about time), and heads after the Egyptians. They encounter a slave boy, left behind by the Egyptians. He agrees, in exchange for his life, to lead them to the Egyptian army. David and his men surprise attack the Egyptian troops, slaughtering all but 400 who get away on camels. They recover all the women, children, livestock, and riches, as well as the Egyptian riches. They return home. Arguments ensue over who’s entitled to what shares of the loot. David rules that all share equally, that the men who stayed back guarding the city were just as important as the ones who went on the raid. After all, had they left men there in the first place, the Egyptian attack may not have been successful to begin with.
31. The Philistines, meanwhile, are pursuing their attack on Israel, and on Saul and his army. They rout the army, killing Saul’s three sons, and greviously wounding Saul, who, rather than submit to having his body desecrated by infidels, commits suicide. This does not deter the Philistines from desecrating his or his sons’ bodies, which they proceed to do, sending some parts as warnings to other communities, and hanging other parts on walls locally. In the dark of night, some locals recover the cadavers, burn them, and bury the remaining bones. End scene.

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