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GWB

georgew“I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport.” –Washington, D.C., Oct. 3, 2001

“Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country.” –Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.” –Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

“There’s no doubt in my mind that we should allow the world’s worst leaders to hold America hostage, to threaten our peace, to threaten our friends and allies with the world’s worst weapons.” –South Bend, Indiana, Sept. 5, 2002.

“There’s an old…saying in Tennessee…I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee that says Fool me once…(3 second pause)… Shame on…(4 second pause)…Shame on you….(6 second pause)…Fool me…Can’t get fooled again.” –Nashville, Tennessee, Sept. 17, 2002.

“See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don’t attack each other. Free nations don’t develop weapons of mass destruction.” –Milwaukee, Wis., Oct. 3, 2003

“The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the … the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice.” –Washington, D.C., Oct. 27, 2003.

“I’m looking forward to a good night’s sleep on the soil of a friend.” –on visiting Denmark, Washington D.C., June 29, 2005

“Wow! Brazil is big.” –after being shown a map of Brazil by Brazilian president Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, Brasilia, Brazil, Nov. 6, 2005

“Rarely is the question asked, ‘Is our children learning’?” –Florence, S.C. Jan 11 2000 and “The illiteracy level of our children are appalling.” –Washington, D.C., Jan. 23, 2004

– all quotes from President George W. Bush

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How Do You Like Dem Apples?

Outlet Radio Network
November 19, 2004

How Do You Like Dem Apples?

Just a short column to let you all know I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth. Being in the food and wine biz this time of year gets a bit crazed. Out in the non-electronic world I’ve gotten several requests recently for good old-fashioned apple pie. Things like “what’s the world’s most amazing apple pie recipe?” and other easy demands to respond to like that.

Well, I’ll tell you. I haven’t a clue. There are probably a gazillion recipes out there for apple pies, and I’ve only tried a few of them. Truthfully, I tend to go about as simple as I can when I make an apple pie, which isn’t very often. You can use something basic from the Time-Life Good Cook series, or that long-famed kitchen staple, The Joy of Cooking. Or your mother’s recipe. Hey, if you think you’ve got the world’s best apple pie recipe, I’d love to hear about it and try it out.

What I do make pretty regularly with apples is an old Ukranian-Belarusian (somewhere out there) sort of apple pie-cake-crumbly kinda thingie. The recipe isn’t my own and it’s been reproduced in Eastern European cookbooks for eons, but damned if it isn’t really easy and really good! It’s usually referred to as something like “Guest at the Door Apple Cake”, for reasons that should be apparent from the name.

This comes out best if you use a 9″ springform pan, but any deep dish pie, tart, or cake pan will do. You can even do this in a cast iron skillet if you want!

Butter the inside of the pan and sprinkle with bread crumbs or flour to prevent the cake from sticking. Preheat oven to 350F.

Take six large, tart apples and peel, core, quarter and then slice them. Toss the apple segments with a teaspoon of ground cinnamon. Put them in the buttered pan.

In a mixing bowl, whisk or beat together 3 large eggs and just under a cup of sugar (don’t ask me why, but a full cup makes it too sweet, so take out a heaping spoonful). Beat this until it is pale yellow and forms a ribbon when your whisk or beaters are lifted.

By the way, what that means is… if you lift the egg beater, or electric mixer, or hand whisk out of the mixture, it kind of drizzles off and leaves a ribbony looking trail that takes a moment or two to sink in, rather than just streaming off and disappearing into the bowl.

Gradually beat in one and a half cups of all purpose flour. The batter will get pretty thick. Pour the batter relatively evenly over the apples. Bake until it turns puffy and golden colored, about 50-60 minutes, depending on your oven, the pan, etc. Let cool for a little and serve with whatever you like to serve on appley things – whipped cream, ice cream…

On other apple topics, since I promised I’d throw in some booze sort of tasting notes, some drinking thoughts:

Apple cider. Not the stuff in big gallon jugs that’s brown and filled with sediment from apples and your parents made you and all that…

Traditional French, English or American (they’re the only ones I know who make the stuff) alcohol-type apple cider. There are lots of producers out there of these. Two favorites:

Farnum Hill apple ciders, from Lebanon, New Hampshire. Made in relatively dry styles, these, to me, taste like very delicately apple scented light beers. They are quite yummy, and well worth checking out. Farnum Hill distributes primarily in the northeast U.S., but you can hit their website at www.farnumhillciders.com and who knows, maybe you can score some!

Eric Bordelet produces amazing apple and pear ciders in France. They range from relatively dry to relatively sweet. My faves are the Argelette for the apple and the Granit for the pear, but they’re all worth seeking out and trying. Once you taste these you’ll be hooked!

I’m also a huge fan of calvados. This is brandy made from apple and pear wine rather than grape wine. You get all that warming fire that is what good brandy is all about, with a delicious touch of apple fruit. Not sweet! My favorite producer is Christian Drouhin who makes a regular “Selection” calvados and stunningly good vintage calvados under the Coeur du Lion label. The vintage ones make great gifts!


I started writing food & wine columns for the Outlet Radio Network, an online radio station in December 2003. They went out of business in June 2005.

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World Eats – Paris!

passportworldeats

Passport Magazine
Issue 5 – October 2001
WORLD EATS – Paris!
The world of bistros and small neighborhood eateries has become the province of some of this city’s most exciting new chefs. Many have trained classically, some in Paris’ top flight kitchens, and they have taken what they’ve learned and gone out to create a world of casual, yet completely satisfying dining. Experimenting here and there, yes. Keeping a grounding in tradition, usually. Surprising and delighting, often.

While many of the best new restaurants in Paris are found in the outer arrondissment, it is well worth the effort to get there and have the added pleasure of experiencing a wonderful new neighborhood while enjoying some of the world’s finest cuisine.


Restaurant L’Alivi

The island of Corsica is not the first place I thought of when I started planning my dining itinerary in Paris. Two of my friends, temporary ex-pats (read that as “student visas”) suggested a visit to Alivi as a great way to begin our jaunt through the neighborhood bistros. Only a block or two off the main drag through the Marais, this turned out to be a charming, postcard scene of a restaurant. The food was damned good too.

The menu is in French and Corsican, a dialect based much closer to Italian. This helped immensely, since my French is almost non-existent, but my Italian is completely passable. Eric Gauthier’s food is a mix of classic and experimental Corsican fare-hearty and rich. The wine list is also Corsican, and outside of that island, where else are you going to find a couple of dozen selections from Patrimoniu, Aiacciu and Porti Vechju?

The menu changes somewhat regularly. A few dishes like the leek mousse and the chicken breast in Corsican honey seem to stay. We had some truly outstanding fare: cured sardine and fennel salad; goat rillettes; baby crabs stuffed with sausage; roast lamb stuffed with beet greens; and a citron tart with fresh figs, stewed figs with ice cream. Be sure to sample the Corsican cheeses. The menu and wine list are posted on the restaurant’s website (www.restaurant-alivi.com).

Restaurant Alivi, 27, rue du Roi de Sicile, 01-48-87-90-20. A three-course dinner with wine will be $35-$40.


World Eats - ParisLes Amognes

This restaurant takes a special effort to get to, being on the far eastern edge of Paris. The young lady who took us there miscalculated metro stops, so we hiked a good mile along the rue du Faubourg Sainte-Antoine, a fascinating part of Paris populated by salsa clubs, street markets, aspiring fashion designer shops and furniture stores. We had been warned that we were in for a treat food-wise, but that the atmosphere was somewhat “off-beat.” In the Paris version of Zagat the food got a “21” and the decor got an “8.” Okay, it’s a semi-basement, whitewashed with plain wooden tables. The paintings on the wall tend to be abstract female nudes. The clientele is a trifle rough and tumble, but clearly “into” the food.

Being “into” food is a truly smart idea here. Chef Thierry Coué believes in experimentation. He has ventured into the world of vegetable, fruit and spice purees and enhancements, with fresh, clean flavors that are mostly on target. There are more hits than misses on the menu, and that’s what I want from an experimenting chef. The menu changes daily and is market driven, which, given the range of amazing produce in the local street markets, is a great thing.

Steamed asparagus with a fresh herb beurre blanc and a terrine of warm sausages with an onion and currant marmalade are amazing. A skate-wing with red cabbage and onion fries, and a truly outstanding seared calves’ liver with a carrot and ginger sauce were the winners of the evening. Desserts received mixed reviews, with raves going to a grapefruit gratin with grapefruit ice on top and gasps of “how odd” going to the warm crepe filled with a cardamom and eggplant compote topped with an intense orange sauce. A well-selected and fairly priced wine list features bottles from throughout France, but shows a special affinity for smaller producers, especially from the Rhône valley.

Les Amognes, 243, rue de Faubourg Saint-Antoine, 01-43-72-73-05. Three course dinner with wine will run $35-40. [Closed, the chef now has a restaurant called Wadja.]


Chez Michel

Just as I think it’s a must in the United States to go to any place named Billy’s, regardless of what small town you find yourself in, in France, the ubiquitous venue is named Chez Michel. A bit off the beaten track, on a side street near the Gare du Nord, this place came with high recommendations for chef Thierry Breton’s inventive twists on the cuisine of Brittany. Unfortunately a week or two before we arrived, the restaurant had been “discovered” by a writer from Gourmet magazine. The room and sidewalk were jam-packed with American tourists, all with copies of the review in hand. We almost turned around and left. Fortunately, by the time your arrive in Paris, most of the tourists will have move on to the next spot that gets a rave-luckily, this Chez Michel will remain for you to enjoy.

What can be said about broiled lobster folded with a soft-roasted ostrich egg and served in the eggshell, except, get yourself on a plane to Paris and eat it! Also try the chilled Breton lobster soup with cucumbers and black olives, or maybe the baby clams roasted with herb butter and hazelnuts. Then move on to haddock brandade with roasted filets of rouget or the foie gras on spice bread with a beet vinaigrette and asparagus. Finish with traditional Paris Brest or Kouing Amman (a sort of stack of ultra-thin pastry leaves filled with butter and sugar). The wine list is decent, with a scattering of wines from throughout France. The selection of wines by the glass, apertifs and digestifs is better here and than most other venues I’ve seen.

Chez Michel, 10, rue de Belzunce, 01-44-53-06-20. Three-course dinner with wine will run $40-45.


Le Cottage Marcadet

Up in Montmarte, on the north side of the Sacre Coeur, is a little gem of a restaurant, Le Cottage Marcadet. Along a busy thoroughfare, this refined, elegant favorite is a bastion of customer service. The proprietor himself takes care of each table, functioning as waiter, busboy and bartender. Chef Robin tends to each and every plate, ensuring that his food meets his personal high standards.

This is not a restaurant for inventive, outré dishes. The cuisine is classic Parisian-simple pan roasted fish and meats, with classic sauces, beautifully presented. The produce is absolutely fresh, the flavors impeccably pristine. The wine list is short with a simple selection of inexpensive Bordeaux and Burgundy. Both a prix fixe (with wine included) and an a la carte option are offered. The short menu changes regularly to reflect market availability. The chef has a deft hand with fish – we had a simple filet of sole that was outstanding. Try the creme brulee for dessert.

Le Cottage Marcadet, 151 bis, rue Marcadet, 01-42-57-71-22. Three course dinner with wine will run $30-35. [Closed, I understand that Chef Jean-Marie Robin moved (retired?) to Crete]


Passport magazine is a relatively new, ultra-slick, ultra-hip gay travel magazine. My friends Don Tuthill and Robert Adams, respectively the publisher and editor-in-chief, who have owned and run QSF magazine for many years, launched this publication recently. It has received industry accolades. They asked me to come along and write the occasional article for this venture as well.

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Ezekiel – A Psychosexual Paean to God

We move on to our third prophet in this line, Ezekiel ben-Buzi, an exiled priest living in Babylon. In terms of era, he overlapped with Jeremiah’s final years, and Torah scholars figure his prophetic period ran from roughly 593 to 571 BCE (Jeremiah’s period ended in 586 BCE). So the storyline picks up, echoing his predecessor, with warnings against Judah and Jerusalem, the moves on to warnings against foreign nations (didn’t we just do this whole thing, ad nauseum?), though, then moves into prophecies of hope for the salvation and future of Israel and the Jews. The book is arranged as a series of six visions that came to Ezekiel over this 22 year period. There is some contention as to whether the book was written as a record of his prophecies, or as someone’s fanciful reinterpretation of them to make for better reading. Apparently, too, Ezekiel’s visions will later become a big part of the Christian book, Revelations. Should I one day move on to a read-through of the “New Testament”, it will be interesting to see the reinterpretations.

  1. There is little preamble, other than that this first vision appeared to Ezekiel “in the 30th year”. It’s not specified 30th year of what, though it is noted that this is just the 5th year of exile, so one might assume that it’s Ezekiel’s 30th year. What follows is a detailed description of four winged demi-humans, with four faces each (human, lion, ox, eagle), a single leg ending in a calf’s foot, some sort of spinning wheel, and a gleaming figure of flame on a throne above them. Ezekiel assumes the figure is God and prostrates himself on the ground.
  2. The figure of flame tells Ezekiel to go to the people of Israel in exile and announce his… prophet-hood. Also to resist their attempts to subvert him in his mission. Then the figure hands him a scroll covered with the litany of God’s (well, Ezekiel is assuming this is God whom he’s speaking to) complaints.
  3. The flaming figure tells Ezekiel to eat the scroll he’s just been handed. Ezekiel does, it tastes like honey. Then God (he finally identifies himself) tells him to go to the Jews and warn them to turn back from their wicked ways (or not start them in the first place). Not because he expects they’ll listen, but so later he can say, “I sent Ezekiel to warn you and you didn’t listen”. Then one of the winged figures whisks Ezekiel away to an exiled community to start his work.
  4. This feels like some form of torture. God tells Ezekiel to go to Jerusalem, set himself up in front of the city on a brick platform with iron shielding, and lay on his left side for 390 days, followed by laying on his right side for 40 days, all while bound with cords. During that time he is to only eat this horrific sounding multigrain and legume bread baked over cow shit; and drink water. During that time he will be unable to speak. At the end, God will give him a message to repeat to the citizens of Jerusalem.
  5. Once the 430 days of fasting and lying about are done, Ezekiel is instructed to have his head and beard, cover his head with scales, and then announce to the people of Jerusalem that God is going to destroy a third of the city by fire, a third by sword, and a third by famine and pestilence. Within the last category, he asserts that cannibalize will arise, and parents will eat their children and children will eat their parents, and why couldn’t you Jews just have followed the rules and avoided all this?
  6. God continues his litany of woe. Specifically, he decries against those who worshipped at the altars of other gods, offering up sacrifices and incense, when those things are rightfully his, and his alone. He reiterates that all those who participated in such activities, and all those who stood by and let it happen, will be put to death by pestilence, sword, or famine. And then, the few who are left, will, of course, bow to him and him alone. Some gods just can’t take a little competition.
  7. Doom! Horror! Calamity! God’s on a roll here.
  8. Apparently not convinced by everything he’s said that Ezekiel has gotten the message, God appears to him as yet another fiery being (fire from the waist down, glowing amber body above), picks him up by hair, and walks him through the abominations that he sees within Jerusalem. “See, see, look there, don’t you see how wicked they are and why I have to kill them all?” You know something’s off when the supposed deity of the universe is trying to pre-justify slaughtering vast swathes of humanity to his own prophet.
  9. God has Ezekiel call forth a team of seven righteous men from among the Jews in exile. One is a learned and pious scribe, the others are executioners. And he commands them to march through the streets of Jerusalem, with the scribe marking the foreheads of those who are also righteous, and the executioners slaughtering anyone not marked. Seems like it puts an awful lot of trust, responsibility, and power in the hands of one randomly selected scribe.
  10. The four cherubs from the first chapter are back, apparently on their Segways, and this time they’re carrying burning coals, which the scribe from the previous chapter is given. Then there’s quite the description of them wheeling about, hither, thither, and yon, and ending up in front of the gates of Jerusalem, presumably with said scribe in tow.
  11. So, Ezekiel, cherubs, and some sort of floaty sapphire being (apparently we’ve abandoned the fire image) are all in front of the gates of Jerusalem, and twenty-five of the leaders of the people are assembled there. Ezekiel repeats all the various warnings, they opine that God is out to destroy all the Jews, Ezekiel says no, just the wicked ones, the rest will have God’s support, as long as they follow his rules. Then the floaty sapphire thing… floats away.
  12. Well, this would be a change. God assures Ezekiel, in a long-winded, and therefore ironic speech, that whatever he says will happen, will happen, and instantly. All I can think is, you’ve spent the last eleven pages describing what’s going to happen, along with dragged out time-frames, and none of it has happened yet. If you’re going to do it, do it, stop talking about what you’re going to do.
  13. After all these threats about what he’s going to do to the wicked folk of Jerusalem, God turns his attention to false prophets. I have to admit, I expected him to go into full rampage mode. But, bizarrely, he doesn’t, instead just threatening to tear down their false altars and rip away their followers, leaving them without anyone to prophecy or preach to. Seems a bit… tame. Maybe in tomorrow’s chapter he’ll go further.
  14. God decides to rail on a bit about “fetishes”. He’s not talking 50 Shades kind of stuff, but inanimate objects that people use as the focus of their prayers. To other gods, of course. That’s why he’s railing about them. We do learn that he has a special place in his heart for Noah, Daniel, and Job, whom he asserts that even if he destroyed all the rest of human life on the planet, he would leave the three of them untouched. Of course, they’re all dead already, so, it’s kind of moot.
  15. Wicked Jerusalem-ites are… wicked… must be destroyed. Soon. When, like, I get to the end of my ranting about how bad they are….
  16. Ezekiel’s really getting an earful as God winds up. I feel like he’s heading towards some sort of conclusion as he first besmirches the parentage of the wicked folk of Jerusalem, and then calls them all a bunch of wanton whores. And he gets really descriptive about their insatiable lusts and perversions.
  17. God’s still going strong – today it’s “they didn’t follow my rules, so I don’t have to keep my word to them”. One of the missing components in all of this ranting about the Israelites not keeping their pact with God is that most of them never agreed to it in the first place, other than by association with generations long in the past.
  18. Finally, God takes a breath and offers some hope. Among a summation of all of the previous wrongs that he has listed, he notes that if someone has avoided committing any and all of those, he will spare them. But, he’s quite clear – any and all – even one mistake, and it’s all over. In answer to, one guesses, Ezekiel’s query, he also notes that a father is not responsible for a son’s sins, and vice versa – each person is responsible for their own, and only their own, actions, even if they know about another’s sins and do nothing to stop them.
  19. God is now lamenting rather than ranting. Using allegory, he compares the kings of Israel and Judea to lions and the people to vines, and more or less weepy over his beer, sings a dirge (and states that he’s singing a dirge) over the capture of the lions and the uprooting of the vines. Somewhere in here it seems forgotten that the capturing and uprooting was directed by him.
  20. A bunch of elders come to Ezekiel and want to know why death and destruction is coming to them. God tells Ezekiel he’s tired of talking to them, remind them that they agreed to the Terms & Conditions, that he’s been sending prophets warning of what’s coming, including Ezekiel himself, for years, and they’ve paid no attention, and not changed their ways, and this is where it’s all led to.
  21. Really, like previous prophets, I could pretty much just come up with a catch phrase of doom and gloom for God and repeat it for every chapter. Twenty previous ones in this, and he’s still railing at Ezekiel and telling him to tell the various people that he’s angry at that he’s angry at them and is coming to destroy them. If I didn’t know how much death and destruction he causes in the bible, I’d say he’s just trash-talking.
  22. Blah, blah, blah. Seriously, it’s just more of the same, with God listing off another array of things he’s pissed off about – today, many of them of a sexual nature. Nothing to see here, move along.
  23. Okay, now God’s getting personal. He spends the entire chapter raging against two sisters, Oholah and Oholibah, who are prostitutes, or maybe just lustful women, as they actively pursue the various fit noblemen and soldiers in their splendid dress and uniforms, described in rather lurid terms by God, to the point that I was starting to feel a tad lustful myself. Then he describes the manner they will be put to death by the same men they lusted after. Methinks someone got turned down for a “date”.
  24. Today’s chapter is a long metaphor of basically putting fire under a cauldron of all the people of Jerusalem, bringing them to a boil, letting the scum rise to the top, skimming off the scum, and being left with the good stuff when the boiling is done. You can kind of see how that all applies to the last 23 chapters. There’s also something about never growing a mustache that seems gratuitous and out of place, and might well be a personal aversion on Ezekiel’s part.
  25. Well, finally, God is moving on… sort of. Now that he’s exhausted himself destroying Jerusalem and its wicked inhabitants and restoring its glory with those who are left, he has to get rid of all those around the area who aren’t his chosen people, and were the bad influences in the first place. One wonders why he didn’t start there.
  26. God’s ire is directed at the people of Tyre today, whom he swears utter destruction and casting down into “The Pit”, and all at the hands of King Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon, whom is apparently still a tool in God’s arsenal. I have to admit, I’m awaiting the inevitable turn of events when Nebuchadnezzar is no longer useful, and it’s his turn to take a fall. It apparently happens in Daniel 4.
  27. God’s still on Tyre today, gloating over the impending destruction of all the luxury and beauty that their city-state has. Really pretty petty.
  28. He’s still on Tyre, with his attention turned to the city-state’s rulers. God notes that he set them up to be the best, gave them every opportunity to become part of his grand plan (including, apparently, that their direct ancestors were among the many people in the Garden of Eden – which brings into question the entire Adam and Eve were the only ones story), and instead they developed into arrogant, self-important, wanton folk. He asks whether they’ll be so full of themselves when they’re in The Pit and facing death.
  29. Having thoroughly trash-talked Tyre, God now turns his attention to Egypt and the Pharaoh. Basically a repeat of page 26, with national substitutions.
  30. Why is this not, now, a surprise? Still on Egypt, God basically repeats… hey, page 27, substituting in the rulers and nobles of Egypt for those of Tyre. I wonder if tomorrow will be a similar repeat of page… 28!
  31. Yup, there it is, a repeat of page 28, focused on Egypt’s Pharaoh, just like he focused on Tyre’s king. Some lovely poetry bringing in the cedars of Lebanon at least provides some imagined visual stimulation.
  32. Oh, God really has it in for Pharaoh, he’s giving him a fourth page detailing his downfall. Today’s focus is on the delivery of his spirit to Sheol, more or less Hell, where he will find himself among the now fallen rulers of Tyre, Edom, Sidonia, Meshech, Tubal, Elam, and Assyria. He enjoins Ezekiel to sing Pharaoh a dirge on the topic.
  33. God tells Ezekiel that he’s been appointed as the watchman for the House of Israel. That’s to say, he’s the one to give them warning when they’ve strayed from the path of righteousness and give them the chance to get back on it and mend their ways. But, he opines, they won’t listen, they’ll think of you as just a teller of tales, and only when destruction actually arrives will they realize that you were a prophet. No pressure and all that.
  34. God goes into a litany about self-absorbed, self-important shepherds and how they’ve forgotten to tend to their flock, and how he’s going to rescue the sheep from the shepherds. Metaphor much?
  35. Even God’s getting tired of his own litanies, as today he turns his sights on Mount Seir and the kingdom of Edom – what amounts to modern day Jordan. Proving that there’s little new under the sun, he trash talks them for harboring an innate and deep-seated hatred towards Jews and Israel, for no apparent reason, and for which, he’s going to do to them everything they planned to do to Israel.
  36. Today’s page is pretty much the justification for the modern state of Israel, biblically. God asserts that now that the Jews have been cleansed of their wicked folk, and their surrounding neighbors are to be forever subject to ruin, Israel will be resettled by the Jews returning to their rightful homeland, and will prosper. He also promises to protect them from their surrounding neighbors – forever – we’re waiting….
  37. God tells Ezekiel to inscribe two staffs, one with Israel/Judah, the other with Ephraim, to represent the Jews who remained in Israel and those scattered by diaspora or invasion. Then he’s to bind the sticks together, and God will restore the fallen to life, and re-create Israel as a whole, mended nation, of the two groups of Jews (Sephardim and Ashkenazim, in modern parlance), which will never be split again. It might be time for Israeli politicians and other leaders to focus on that, as opposed to divisive policies.
  38. Whoops! Here I thought we were moving on from trashing the enemy states one by one, and were on to the whole reboot of Israel as the Jewish homeland. But, God apparently forgot about the land of Magog and its ruler, Gog, and associated city states around it. Historians tend to place Magog in sort of northern Iran, bordering on “Eurasia” – so maybe overlapping into where Azerbaijan and Georgia are (Russia is sometimes considered a part of it). Gog and Magog later became part of Welsh folklore as the giant Gogmagog.
  39. God is still on about Gog and Magog, and assures Ezekiel that their destruction will be so complete, so vast, that the captured weapons from their fall will be sufficient to supply firewood for seven years, and that the bodies will be so numerous that it will take seven months to gather them all, at which point God will gather all the wild beasts and birds to feast upon the carrion for… oh, nope, here I thought we were on a theme and maybe it would be “for seven weeks”, but no, he just wants them to eat the bodies and go.
  40. Oh thank God, pun intended, the litany of destruction is done. We’re 40 pages in, and finally Ezekiel has another of his visions. He finds himself in front of a mockup of the Temple, atop a heavenly mountain. There’s a copper man in front of the gate, holding a linen rope and a measuring rod. The man takes him on a tour of the facilities, measuring each wall, gate, window, door, and other architectural feature, and reciting off the measurements for Ezekiel to keep track of. Couldn’t just give him a blueprint?
  41. The copper man continues guiding Ezekiel through different wings of the Temple, measuring and expounding on details as they go. I get the feeling this is going to continue for a couple of pages as they enter each section of the buildings and courtyards and surrounding grounds.
  42. Yup, he’s still going. The copper man is now measuring out the northern chambers and the inner sanctum, and discussing what they’ll be used for. All of which, Ezekiel is duly noting down.
  43. The copper man ends his measuring at the East Gate, where he and Ezekiel find God waiting to enter. They all go into the inner sanctum where God describes how he wants the sacrificial altar to look, including measurements, and describes how the sacrifices will be performed to consecrate the altar when it’s built. He charges Ezekiel with taking his list of measurements back to the people of Jerusalem and telling them to build the Temple to his specifications.
  44. God now points the east gate through which he’d entered and intones that this gate must remain shut forever, because only he can use it. Then he launches into a litany about all the various requirements for who is sanctified enough to enter the Temple, to perform various functions, to sit, to stand, to eat…. All stuff we’ve seen detailed out in earlier tractates, just here, it’s straight from the horse’s mouth… in a dream vision, remember.
  45. God continues… tell the people who are going to build the Temple all the details, including how the land around it is to be apportioned. Tithe, do good, don’t cheat people, and, celebrate Passover. Interesting that Passover, or Pesach, is the one holiday singled out here. Maybe we’ll get to more on the next page.
  46. Back to the east gate, God re-emphasizes that only he can use the outer gate, while all others enter via either the north or south, and, they must exit by the opposite one from which they entered. However, there is the east portal into the Sanctuary, which the High Priest uses to go in and offer sacrifices. People can gather there and worship, but only the High Priest can enter, and it must be during daylight hours. Then God gives a recipe for the roast lamb dish that he really likes.
  47. God defines the boundaries of Israel based on magical water flow from beneath the Temple, and the points to which it flows. A different meaning for “from the river to the sea”….
  48. We end the book of Ezekiel with God detailing the measurements of the surrounding farms and pasturelands and designating who the various tribal neighbors are and what their rights are (not many), and who gets fed from the food produced on those lands (mostly the priests and the people who help make the Temple and its surrounds function). He ends by naming the city “The Lord is There”, in Hebrew, Jehovah-Shammah… which evolved into Jerusalem.

Time to “Veg-Out”

Buenos Aires – It’s a grey and rainy day, and we’re going to stay in for most of it. I thought it was a good time to finish up a couple of book reviews I’ve been working on…

Much as I love vegetables, being a vegetarian has never been truly an option for me. But when two books on vegetarian cooking arrive in my mailbox on the same day, I figure someone at least wants me to pay attention. I used to think that vegetarians were all a little, well, squirrely. And they didn’t eat anything that tasted good. Not that vegetables don’t taste good, but, well, the vegetarian restaurants I’d encountered seemed committed to brown, mushy or really, really chewy, tasteless food. Misery in dining as a way of life. Over the last few years though, I’ve discovered some truly wonderful restaurants that are meatless. The two big changes seem to be an appreciation for really exploring the potential of vegetarian cuisine, and, perhaps as important, dropping the dogmatic approach that up until only a few years ago dominated the scene.

Millenium CookbookThe first book I opened is the cookbook from the chef and staff of the Millennium restaurant in San Francisco. Aptly enough, not only for the restaurant but for the age we’re living in, the book is called The Millennium Cookbook; Extraordinary Vegetarian Cuisine. And it is. Extraordinary. First, the book is beautifully designed. Eye-catching photos, both color and sepia-toned, are liberally placed throughout the book. The graphic layout and color choices for text are equally enticing. Secondly, the book is a pleasure to read. The authors start by noting that their readers undoubtedly have different motivations for picking the book up – and all are equally valid.

One of my pet peeves are recipes in cookbooks that either just plain don’t work, or require a level of skill or knowledge that the average home cook just doesn’t generally possess. The Millennium Cookbook successfully avoids either pitfall. Recipes are clear, concise and well laid out. Where references are made to special techniques or ingredients, there are appropriate reference sections in the back that cover these. Nutritional information is provided for those whom are interested. Most importantly, the recipes work. I picked a random sampling of half a dozen and tried them out. All were delicious!

Heaven’s Banquet CookbookThe second book I approached with trepidation. Heaven’s Banquet; Vegetarian Cooking for Lifelong Health the Ayurveda Way already had the ring of dogma and brown, mushy food. Happily, my fears were unwarranted. The book certainly contains whole sections devoted to spirituality and vegetarian cuisine, and it is peppered with quotes and quips from spiritual texts. However, there is an easy-going, at times almost tongue-in-cheek approach to the presentation of the food and its relationship to life.

The book is nicely laid out, the recipes are easy to follow, and, like the Millennium Cookbook, the recipes work. There is also entire sections devoted to recipes covering interesting basics like making your own cheeses, seitan, spice mixtures and chutneys. Though illustrations are few and far between, they are present to illustrate specialized cooking techniques when the author feels something is a bit more complicated.

For vegetarians and non-vegetarians alike, these two books provide not only good food, approached from vastly different directions, but enjoyable reading as well.

 

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Three Chefs Weigh in on (the Lack of) Buenos Aires Street Food

ComoSur
South American Gastronomy
April 17, 2008

THREE CHEFS WEIGH IN ON (THE LACK OF) BUENOS AIRES STREET FOOD
by Patrick Heiger

[I’ve put the parts of this article written by others in blockquote italics. All the photos are mine.]

Parrilla Costanera Norte

Although we want to believe that the streets of South America are as full of delicious street food treats like Mexico might be with tacos and tortas to go, it’s often the case that government regulations and strong social stigma have made the world of street food rather small, if almost nonexistent. While there are great empanadas to be had at the corner markets and holes in the wall of Buenos Aires, actually eating on the street is a near impossibility. Below, we talked with three of the city’s leading chefs, to get a little more insight, and some strong opinions, about where to go and what to eat if you absolutely must eat on the street. Let’s just say you’ll be craving some choripan by the time you’re done reading.

Dan Perlman | Casa Salt Shaker

I left New York City and moved to Buenos Aires before the food truck scene really took off. There was plenty of street food around – but it was more the smaller carts – early on in my time in the big apple it was hot dogs and wraps, though that gradually expanded into more and more offerings. When I travel the world, the first thing I do is start hitting the street food scene. So a decade ago, when I came to Buenos Aires, it was a surprise to find that it was near non-existent.

I would wander the streets forlornly, wishing for some sort of grilled or charred or even steamed something to nibble on. Something to keep the strength up. But, there was nada. In retrospect, and even today, I understand it. There are a couple of factors at work here. Buenos Aires streets are narrow, oft-times one wonders just how a car makes it down one, particularly if anyone else has parked along the side of the road.

But the biggest factor is, I think, cultural. Locals, porteños, don’t make a habit of standing while eating. Meals are not meant to be consumed while on one’s feet. They’re meant to be enjoyed, leisurely, preferably with a bottle of wine, a beer, a Fernet & Coke, or even just a soft drink. And they’re meant to be enjoyed with friends. The idea of standing, gulping something down and moving on is just not the style here. Even in bars people don’t tend to stand around drinking cocktails, they find a place to sit, to kick back and relax, to enjoy themselves.

BondipanNow, that’s not to say that there’s absolutely no street food scene. Here and there along the streets you’ll find a stand offering garapiñadas, caramelized nuts, or perhaps a pancho, a hot dog. But little else. When it comes to outdoor eating there are two arenas where the scene exists, albeit limited. The first are street festivals, often run by the city’s cultural department in tandem with some local embassy. A section of three or four blocks, or a part of a local park or plaza, is blocked off, tents are raised, and ethnic food of one variety or another is offered up.

But what about local fare itself? Let’s face it, we all know that Argentina is known for grilled meat, and that ought to translate well to the outdoors, no? And it does, in two particular places, the Costanera Sur and the Costanera Norte. Costaneras are, literally, boardwalks, though these have no boards. They are two areas of the city that offer up a walking gastronome’s wet dream of sizzling carne. But we’re not talking food trucks, we’re talking what more or less amount to anchored kiosks.

You see, local ordinances don’t allow for the concept of a mobile kitchen, so to get around the letter, if not the spirit of the law, enterprising locals have taken trailer mounted grills, removed their wheels, and often pegged them in place with chains linked to concrete pylons. And thus, we have the north boardwalk, running along the river just north of the domestic airport, where closing on a couple of dozen parrillas, or grills, offer up local sandwich classics – stuffed with beef, pork, or sausages of one sort or another, and an array of condiments to adorn them.

And in the south, sandwiched itself between the upscale Puerto Madero Este and the Reserva Ecologica, the southern boardwalk. During weekdays, there’s a paucity of offerings – a few scattered grills with the same sort of sandwich fare, but on weekends and holidays, the zone blossoms into a cornucopia of food, with not only sandwiches, but temporary stands offering full meals, ethnic cooking, baked goods, pastries, and more. Families turn out to spend the day, nibbling, imbibing, and getting some sun.

CondimentsThere is a new push for a food truck movement, and a few individuals are pushing hard, and there’s some support from the community and the gastronomy world. But, there’s an equally hard push back from those who don’t want to see their cultural mores with its stop and smell the roses feel, to change. Concerns about how food trucks will change the visual landscape, increased in litter and garbage, lines, problems with vermin, are all valid ones. But, things change, and we shall see what we shall see. In the meantime, I’ve adapted to my new home and know where to head if I need an outdoor food fix – the rest of the time, I’m content to put my feet up and relax, off-street.

Narda Lepes | Boca de Lobo
Street food in Buenos Aires isn’t organized. It’s spontaneous, and in many cases borders on the illegal. Laws have changed recently towards grills with gas, but there are those that for moral and historical reasons would rather be fugitives than ever stop cooking over coals.Choripan is the king, by far. A few ingredients and some important variables ultimately make the experience great. It’s worth mentioning to visitors in these parts that one never orders a sandwich of chorizo or bondiola or beef or morcilla. On the street you have to order a chori-pan, bondi-pan, vaci-pan or morci-pan. If you don’t, you’ll be looked down upon.One of my favorites is “Lo Del Tío” that, because of the legal gray area, they took his cart away, but he set up a grill in the same space. It’s at Avenida Dorrego, between Lugones and Figueroa Alcorta.

Feria de MataderosThe Feria de Mataderos is the best place to try all the best in one place. Empanadas, choripan, churros, pastelitos de membrillo and sweet potato, torta frita, tamales, humitas, and obviously meat, meat, and more meat. It’s in Mataderos, so they celebrate on the days when the butchers would close down the area. It’s a one-of-a-kind, real place. It’s a touristic zone set up for those who miss their home in the country’s interior, in the countryside. There’s tradition, folklore, music, horses, maté, and a lot of movement, all brought together with pride.Early some mornings you can see, on some corners, people selling tortas or bread with lard on the grill with really sweet coffee out of a jug. There’s one on the corner of Maria Campos and Santa Fe.And to get a true taste of what it’s like to eat on the street with the most beautiful views and alleyways of the city, go to the Costanera Sur, note South, not North. North is for restaurants. Go South. There, by instinct and feel, you’ll be able to decide which is the best street food stand. They’ve been there for more than 50 years. Obviously, look for the one with the longest line and the most smoke.

Fer Rivarola | El Baqueano

Buenos Aires isn’t a city that’s widely known for it’s street food, but there are a few places that have survived and dish up informal food. These include the parrillas on the Costanera Sur and Norte that have received some government reforms that have transformed them into nice-looking stands that serve up American-style food, but they’ve lose the essence of what they were doing originally. Now, for reasons of functionality, they’ve taken out their coal grills and changed them for gas. Generally speaking, and from what I’ve seen and experienced in other cities throughout Latin America, street food is a true reflection of the basic food from the small towns, closer to what people want and need. This is something that still hasn’t taken off yet in Buenos Aires.

Surely, a list of the top five street foods should be topped by a great empanada filled with meat, something that we can only dream of, because these are difficult things to find in the streets. You can find some vendors in the micro center selling this filled treat, screaming that they’re selling homemade empanadas, but those have a bit of a dodgy reputation, for sure.

I also love going to the Costanera and eating a great “radioactive” choripan, with a cold beer, on the banks of the river, something that even Kamilla Seidler from Gustu succumbed to when she came to participate in our Cocina Sin Fronteras. But, be careful, don’t go crazy with the dressings or extras that the stands offer, as they can be dangerous to your stomach’s health.We also go crazy for a great milanesa sandwich, and lucky for us, there’s a stand in the north of the city that has a great reputation called “Pequeño Demonio” where, without a doubt, you can eat the best bondiola sandwiches in the city, with great bread, great meat, and a shady corner so you can take a break.Another classic in Palermo is “El Puestito del Tío,” he’s been there for years, and you can get great morcipan, vacipan, and other great combinations of grilled meats wrapped in bread.

Lastly, for the more daring, during the early mornings in Retiro you can try chipas, a typical mesopotamian dish, which is a kind of cheesy bread made from mandioca starch, which for years has been the staple of the Guaraní villages.

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Mi casa, su cuenta

Guardian UK
The Observer Food Monthly
April 17, 2008

Mi casa, su cuenta

Have you ever visited a ‘secret’ restaurant? Would you ever consider opening your kitchen at home to paying diners?

Dan's chocolate cheesecake with butterscotch sauce.

Dan’s chocolate cheesecake with butterscotch sauce.


Let’s face it: everyone likes to be the first to know about something, to have that little bit of insider information that no one else has … yet. Over the last year and a half, the media have suddenly discovered the phenomenon of secret, or underground dining spots. Not generally actual restaurants, these are more often in-home (or in ever-changing locations) places to check out dishes from glorified home cooks and budding or moonlighting chefs.

It’s also not really new. There have been what we here in Argentina call restaurantes de puertas cerradas, or locked door restaurants, around for at least the last three decades. They’ve just become a bit less underground and secret as one source after another touts them as the best thing since sliced bread. They’re even making their way into tourism guidebooks.

I have to take some blame for the sudden discovery of this so-called trend – especially since everyone seems to think it started in Buenos Aires – it didn’t, really. We simply caught the wave at just the right moment.

We were the first here in town willing to talk about the idea with the press, which brought us a ton of business – but it also attracted attention from our building association and government agencies.

Opening a restaurant in Buenos Aires is easy enough if you have money. There’s little in the way of licensing, it’s a matter of complying with a set of health and building codes, and perhaps greasing a palm or two. We don’t get exempted from that, and while what we do may be “just a dinner party”, we decided on going down the safe route by bringing everything up to code and paying taxes on our income. This is not something that many of the several dozen in-home restaurants here have bothered to do. It’s a choice – and the more attention that the press pays to all of us, the more likely it is that taking these simple steps will have been the right move.

When we first threw open the doors of our home to an invited group of diners for an experimental dinner party it didn’t feel quite right presenting a bill at the end of the evening, but I’m over that now. We offer what I consider to be a unique dining experience here in Buenos Aires; a bi-weekly multi-course themed menu with matched wines, communal tables, and an ever increasing demand for more, more, more.

So why do we do it? On a personal level, we needed some income, and I like to cook. We also enjoy having people in our home and meeting new friends every week, even if we charge them for it. We’ve also found that for locals and visitors alike we provide a casual, relaxed atmosphere in which to meet new people and try interesting food – and many similar places offer that same ambiance, one of having been invited to a party – just one where you know neither the other guests nor the host before arriving.

For some of the owners I know it’s a sort of trial balloon, a way of seeing if their food will go over well before investing in a full-scale restaurant. In fact, the in-home spot I first went to here in Buenos Aires, Verdellama, has long since ceased household operations and the owners now operate two restaurants. For some, it’s simply a way of staying off the radar – something that’s getting harder and harder to do as the word
spreads.

We have fun, we don’t have to work all that hard, and we’ve built up a connected network of people operating similar adventures spread out across the globe – we hear about spots that have either recently opened, or in some cases have been open for years in places as wide ranging as Melbourne, Paris, New York, San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, Havana (long a hotbed of such spots, where they actually have a name for them – paladares), Lima, Sacramento … the list goes on, and seems to get longer every week.

One of the questions I’m most commonly asked is “do you ever get guests who are a problem?” In a word, no, not really – I think it takes a certain kind of person to even opt to come to something like this. Also, most of us have some sort of screening process, whether it’s simply a gut feeling, a referral by a past customer, or whatever it may be.

And what about the other side of the coin – how the experience rates for the guest? A visit to a place like mine can be intimidating for the shy, but that just goes with the territory. It can be an issue for those who have various food concerns – allergies or simple dislikes – as the menus are often preset with no few options. Most of us are solo cooks, we don’t have teams in the kitchen to whip up special or alternative dishes, and truthfully, we probably don’t really care – it’s a “here’s my menu, if you’re not interested, go somewhere else” attitude – even if stated politely.

How would that go down with you? Is the setting in a case like this more important than getting the usual fussiness of a restaurant? And would you ever consider opening your home to paying guests?

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II Samuel – Rise Up

Book II of Samuel picks up after the death of Saul and continues with the story of David. I believe it continues to the start of the story of his son Solomon. I guess his claim of not having sex with his wives in order to maintain purity is refuted, assuming he’s the father. I found it interesting, going through the first book, which is touted to be a compilation, primarily, of the writings of the prophet Samuel, since Samuel dies midway through the first book. Are we now into spirit writing?

  1. When Saul died, on the previous page, it was asserted that after asking his armsbearer to kill him in his last moments, the armsbearer refused, so Saul threw himself on his own sword in order to avoid having an enemy soldier kill him. But now, we have a young man, disheveled, arriving at David’s camp. He claims to have been present for Saul’s last moments, and that Saul, seeing that he was an enemy soldier, opened himself up to being killed by the young man. This youngster then took his crown and armband. He brought those to David, to let him know that Saul, and his sons, are dead. This seems strange behavior for an enemy soldier, and something seems amiss to me. David is distraught, after all, the love of his life, Jonathan, is dead. In his rage, he kills the young man. Then the rest of the page is a dirge he composed in the moment as an elegy to Saul and Jonathan (the other two brothers are not mentioned). It ends with,”My brother Jonathan, You were most dear to me. Your love was wonderful to me, more than the love of women.”
  2. I love the time jumps in the Talmud. We are now “sometime afterwards”, and David has talked to God and gone to Hebron, and been declared the local king. But king over just one community isn’t his goal, it’s king over everyone in Israel, and he sets out to do that. Meanwhile, Abner, the power behind Saul’s thrown, has gotten all the northern tribes to declare one of Saul’s remaining sons as king over all of them. A few hundreds or a thousand of each side come together one day to confront each other. “Let’s dance…” is the approach. And a dozen seasoned warriors from each side grab ahold of each other, and in a weird murder-suicide ritual, simultaneously kill each other. Then the battle starts in earnest, Saul’s side losing 360 men, and David’s side a mere 20 (there’s a numerologic thing about 18 going on). There’s a chase scene, ending with Abner killing the youngest son of David’s right-hand man, after futilely trying to warn him off. Then a hilltop confrontation where Abner calls for a reluctantly agreed to truce, and both sides slink back home under cover of night.
  3. Abner, Saul’s old right-hand man, continues to work for Saul’s remaining son, Ish-bosheth. One day the son accuses him of sleeping with one of his father’s concubines, a power play to undermine him. Abner protests his innocence. David, meanwhile, is having sons with his various wives. But that’s not enough, he wants Michal, his first promised wife and Saul’s daughter (who he never married, and who Saul ended up giving to another man). He demands it of Ish-bosether, who for some reason, agrees to it. Pissed off from his berating by Ish-boseth, Abner approaches David and offers to bring the rest of Israel under his control. They discuss terms and Abner heads back to get things going. On his way he runs into Joab, brother of the boy he’d tried to avoid killing but couldn’t. Not surprisingly, Joab kills Abner. But that pisses off David, who curses Joab and all his descendants to always have at least one male in the family who is either a leper, has an STD, is poor, gets killed in battle, or is effeminate. I don’t know… like, hmm, Jonathan?
  4. Ish-bosheth, hears that Abner has been killed. He loses faith that he will be able to maintain his father’s kingdom and takes to his bed. Two of his main commanders take their armies and leave for other regions. The sons of one of them, prior to leaving, sneak into Ish-bosheth’s home and stab him to death, then cut off his head, and slip away to David’s camp, to present him with the defeat of his enemy. David reminds them that he killed the soldier who killed Saul. Then he kills them both, cuts them into pieces and put on public display as a warning. Meanwhile, we are treated to a tangent that Jonathan had a son, who, while fleeing after his father was killed, fell, and is now lame. I assume he’s going to play a future role in the story.
  5. With the deaths of Abner and Ish-bosheth, David is now the most powerful leader around, and the various tribal leaders of Israel swear fealty to him. But there are non-Jewish holdouts, like the Jebusites around Jerusalem and Zion. David’s army captures those and turn Zion into the City of David, but with a strange ban on anyone lame or blind from entering. Numerous theories have been proposed as to why this is the case, but all seem to want to ignore the possibility that David was just an ableist bigot. The Philistines reappear, and attempt to invade, and, of course, David and his army not only repel their attack, but kill a whole lot of them.
  6. Remember the Ark? It was left in a home on a hillside for safekeeping. David and 30,000 men set out to recover it and thank those who guarded it. On the march back to his eponymous city, one of the bearers stumbles and actually touches the Ark. God immediately strikes him dead. David’s worried. What if someone, what if he, accidentally touches the Ark. So he diverts their march and has the Ark left nearby to the city, but not in it. God blesses the home of the family that is guarding it, which makes David jealous. He goes and retrieves it and brings it to his city. Then there’s a big festival with music and dancing. David strips down and gets jiggy with it. Michal, remember Michal? The first daughter of Saul, who David finally married? She’s not happy that David’s dancing nude in public. She confronts him about showing off his body, particularly to the slave girls present. He says, my body, my choice. She says, fine, you aren’t getting any, ever. And, they never have sex again and therefore, no children. I’ve got to note, really reading these stories, the various personalities are not those that I was taught. Maybe that’s why we had sanitized readings “to make it easier to understand”. Because David’s pretty much a petty, self-absorbed jerk, pretty much all the time.
  7. New prophet time, Nathan! God tells Nathan to talk to David and point out that while he’s a bit tired of the Ark moving about in a tent, from place to place, he’s never complained about it. And to point out that David started as a shepherd and is now king. All, by his divine guidance, of course. But, he asserts, David, despite all his success, is just not the right person to build a permanent home for the Ark. No, instead, he will ensure David’s lineage in perpetuity, and one of David’s sons will be the builder of the Ark’s home. Nathan tells all this to David. David talks with God, and is clearly disappointed that he’s not the one to get to build the Ark’s cedar home, lamenting all that he’s personally done to get there, but, acquiesing, after all, who is he, humble little David, to question God’s will?
  8. David kills lots of people. Philistines, Moabites, and more. Tens of thousands of them, in order to force them to “bend the knee” to him. Lesser kings in the area send him tribute to get in his good graces. This is, according to the book, a just way to rule.
  9. Remember Mephibosheth? The remaining son of Jonathan, who was crippled while fleeing the massacre around their home? David has one of the last remaining retainers of Saul’s home, Ziba, brought before him and asks if there are any remaining family members out there. Ziba tells him about Mephibosheth and David has him brought. He flings himself at David’s feet in abject terror. After all, David’s been on a killing rampage. But, David assures him, he’s returning all the family’s land and riches to him, and that he’ll dine at David’s table. He also then commands that Ziba and all his family become Mephibosheth’s servants in perpetuity. We are advised, on the side, that Ziba has 15 sons and 20 slaves, and one of the sons is named Mica. I’m guessing Mica will become significant, quite soon.
  10. David had kept up good relations with the king of Ammon, who basically hired him as a mercenary back in his wilderness days. But, the king dies, and his son, Hanun, takes over. When David sends men with offers of alliance, Hanun’s advisors see it as a threat. Hanun reacts, and debases the messengers, shaving off half their beards and stripping them naked on one side, then throwing them out to return to David. We all know how David’s going to react. He sends his whole army against Hanun. Hanun hires mercenaries from nearby kingdoms. David’s army kills more than forty thousand of the mercenary troops, including their commanders. Then, he pivots towards Ammon….
  11. Remember when I called David a petty, self-absorbed jerk? Well, now that he’s killed his former friends, he’s laying about on couches and looking for something to do. Something, apparently, is a woman he sees from his roof as she’s bathing. He finds out that she’s the wife of one of his commanders, has her brought to him, rapes her, sends her home. She gets pregnant, so he has her husband, Uriah, brought in from the field and tells him to go home and see his wife, where, he will find out he’s been cuckolded. Uriah feels he’s better staying in the field than going home. David, pissy as always, has Uriah’s commander, Joab, send him out in battle on the frontlines with instructions to make sure he dies. He does. Joab sends a messenger with the report. David happy. Uriah’s wife not. David has Uriah’s wife brought to palace where he adds her to his collection of wives, and she gives birth to a son. God is not amused….
  12. God sends Nathan, the new prophet to David to tell him a story. A rich man has a flock of sheep as part of his wealth. A poor man has a single lamb, who he cares for as part of his family. The rich man needs to prepare a feast for a visitor. Not wanting to decrease his wealth, he steals the poor man’s lamb for the feast. David, incensed by the story, cries out for the death of the rich man. Nathan says, “Dude, that’s you. God made you king and gave you all the riches, and you stole another man’s wife and killed him.” So God says that David’s punishment is that all of his wives will be sought out by other men, publicly, and David will be shamed for his behavior. Plus, he’s going to kill the new kid that Uriah’s wife just gave birth to. David’s upset and repents, but God does it anyway. Once his new son is dead, David goes back to daily life. When asked by his courtiers why he’s no longer repentant, he replies, “It’s too late, my son is gone, can’t bring him back, no need for more groveling”. Then he goes out with his army and enslaves a bunch of people.
  13. Like father, like son; the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. One of David’s sons, Amnon, is smitten with one of his half-sisters, Tamar. But, forbidden love and all that. He and his best friend, Jonadab, concoct a scheme. He fakes being sick. When David comes to his bedside, Amnon raves that the only thing that will make him feel better is Tamar’s cooking. So David has her sent to Amnon, who orders everyone else out of the room. Then, surprise, surprise, he rapes her. Only, unlike his father, he doesn’t marry her. Having had his way with her, he now loathes her and has her thrown from the palace. David’s not happy, but does nothing. Her brother, Absalom, also Amnon’s half-brother, plots revenge, and two years later, invites Amnon and all the other princes on a hunting trip. During the trip, he has Amnon killed while he’s drunk. The other princes flee. Absalom flees. David mourns. Karma’s a bitch. Three years pass until all is forgiven and he comes home.
  14. Remember Joab, David’s commander, the one who handled the wet work for David? He’s back. He sees that David is still brooding over Absalom’s actions, even if they were justified. So, he concocts a scheme. He sends a woman to David with a made up story. She wails on about how one of her sons killed the other in an argument and now people say the other should be killed, but that would leave her without any heirs, as her husband is dead. David decrees that no one will touch her remaining son, he is absolved of his crime. She then smirks and says, so, oh king, what about your son? Same situation, no? David sees the plot and figures out Joab is behind it. So he has Joab send for Absalom, who returns, but for two years won’t go and see David. Then he decides he’s ready and asks Joab for an audience. Joab doesn’t respond (no reason is given), so Absalom does what anyone would do, he sets fire to Joab’s farm. Joab’s response? Gets Absalom an audience with David, where they embrace and all is forgiven. Bunch of sociopaths if you ask me.
  15. Absalom, now back, wastes no time. He hires fifty mercenaries and then stands at the gate to Jerusalem. For the next four years, every time someone comes to petition David for something, Absalom stops them and tells them their chances of seeing David are slim. But, of course, if he were the person in charge, he’d see them right away and make sure they got justice. He must have been awfully charming for this to work. At the end of four years, he, and all his new found friends, march on Hebron, declaring himself the new king. David, uncharacteristically, doesn’t stand his ground, instead, fleeing with his entire household and loyal friends in town (except 10 concubines, left behind as “guards”). He heads 30km northeast to the Mount of Olives. There, he sends the priests with the Ark back. He also sends servants back to spy on Absalom. Weeping, again unusual for him, he declares that if God wants him in charge, he’ll support him in returning to the Ark and palace. If not, it’s all Absalom’s.
  16. Vignettes…. 1 – David and company marching to the Mt. of Olives when Ziba, servant of Saul’s crippled son Mephibosheth, approaches with food and wine, saying he was sent to provide for them, while Mephibosheth stays behind to reclaim his father’s throne. 2 – Shimei, a member of Saul’s former clan, approaches, hurling insults and stones at David, saying he’s getting his just desserts for having usurped Saul. David tells his men to let Shimei have his say, after all, it’s God’s will. 3 – Absalom arrives in Jerusalem and is greeted by Hushai, one of David’s best friends, who swears loyalty to him. Absalom challenges this, but Hushai avows he is loyal to the throne, not to a particular person in it. Another of David’s advisors, Ahithophel, swears the same. 4 – On his advice, Absalom publicly rapes the ten concubines that David left behind, making sure everyone knows about it, including David, as his final claim to the throne. Yeah, this is going to go well….
  17. Contention between the advisors arises. Ahithophel advises Absalom to lead his troops, 12,000 strong, after David and attack his troops and kill him. Hushai says no, David’s too smart to get caught, you’ll just end up killing some soldiers and not David. Absalom (remember, he’s David’s son, this is an attempt at patricide as well as usurping the throne) decides to follow Hushai’s advice. Ahithophel finds out and goes off to his hometown and hangs himself, which seems a bit of an overreaction, no? What we find out is that Hushai is still loyal to David and this is all a setup, and God is still on David’s side. Hushai sends messengers to warn David. Though Absalom is warned that there are spies who are communicating with David, he doesn’t know who. He sends assassins to find the messenger spies, but a local family, Bahurim and his wife, hide them in their well and the assassins don’t find them. David gets the message and he and his troops melt away into the hills.
  18. David musters his troops and prepares to lead them into battle against Absalom’s. His commanders ask him to stay behind, safe, to command them at a distance. As they’re marching off, he asks them to try to spare Absalom himself, enemy or not, he’s his son. David’s troops kill 20,000 of Absalom’s, and then Joab’s company comes across the him, himself, tangled in a tree by his wayward mule. Joab shoots him with three darts and then sends in ten of his men to finish the job. Joab and his men then hide the body under some stones. He then sends a messenger back to David. Another young man insists on following the first messenger and Joab lets him go. The first one arrives to David and announces that the battle is won, but says nothing about Absalom. The second spills the beans. David is distraught.
  19. David is wailing away at the loss of his son, and moaning about the troops that killed him. Joab comes to him and says, ‘look, it was a battle, he killed your other son, he was trying to kill you, we did what we had to do. Stop blaming others for your failures.’ David pulls himself together, goes down and thanks the troops for protecting him. He sends messengers to the various Israelite leaders saying he’s coming back and taking over again. They, of course, fall over themselves to either apologize, shift blame to others, or give excuses. He basically accepts it all as long as they acknowledge he’s king again. He rewards those who helped him, but no punishments for those who didn’t. Obsequiousness and intra-court rivalries rear their heads once again. Business as usual.
  20. Now, of course, not everyone was happy that David was back. And, a certain faction of the Israelites chose to leave rather than “bend the knee”. David, being the petty sort we’ve seen, isn’t having it, and sends Joab and his troops after them. They pursue all those who haven’t sworn loyalty to David and kill them. Meanwhile, back at the palace, David has the ten concubines that he left behind and whom Absalom raped, confined to quarters where they live out the rest of their lives as widows.
  21. There’s a three-year famine, and David wants to know why. So, he asks God. Way back, God says, David had promised eternal protection to some Gibbeonites who had helped him. And then Saul and his minions came along and killed a bunch of them. David owes reparations. So, David calls the leaders of the Gibbeonites in and asks what they want in terms of repayment. They don’t demand riches or lands, they want revenge. They ask for seven important members of Saul’s family to be sent to them for execution. David says, cool beans, here they are. He spares Jonathan’s son who he promised to protect. He sends seven others, the Gibbeonites impale them on spikes and display them publicly. One of the seven’s relatives watches over their corpses, protecting them from wild beasts. After a week, David collects their bones. He takes those, plus the bones of Saul and Jonathan, and has them buried in a sacred place. Then he goes back to battle with the Philistines, who seem to be producing more giants, like Goliath.
  22. David offers up a song to God. Remember, he’s the one Saul brought in as the court bard to sooth his troubled moments with lyre and song. Basically, David sings about how great God is, and how he, David, has always followed God’s lead, and God has always helped him. Crushing enemies, defeating foes, killing as many people as God, or he, felt necessary. Yay us!
  23. David finishes up his ode with a self-tribute to having taken up arms against the wicked, admonishing one and all to do the same. The wicked, from evidence of this entire tractate being, anyone who doesn’t worship both God and David. Then there’s an enumeration of all the various loyal commanders of David’s various troop groups, many of them exalted for the specified numbers of David’s enemies whom they killed. The page ends in what I assume is mid-list.
  24. God is pissed at Israel and Judah, once again. He tells David he needs a headcount (I find it interesting he doesn’t simply know how many there are). David sends Joab and his men to count all the able-bodied soldiers in both lands. It takes them 9 months. David, for whatever reason, declares to God that he has sinned by counting all the men, and asks forgiveness. Wait, God told him to, this wasn’t his own initiative. God, however, likes simpering humans, and sends a seer who offers David a trio of choices. He can pick either 7 years of famine for the land, 3 months of personally being chased by his enemies, or 3 days of plague. David doesn’t even hesitate and goes for the last. God sends an angel who wipes out 70,000 people on the first day. David repents his selfishness. He asks to switch his choice to the personal one, but it’s too late. Still, he goes and buys a mill, where he sets up an altar and offers up sacrifices until God relents and stops the plague before the 2nd day. And also, stops this book.

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