Tag Archive: Humor

Who’s Out Where?

Tuesday, November 15, 19940

The Stand-Up Comedy Experience Newsletter
Winter 1994

Who’s Out Where?

Once again it’s time for the news from around the globe of just what we’ve gotten ourselves into this year. Thanks first to Mary and Ellen from the office who made the majority of phone calls to all of you, leaving me with little to do other than decipher their cryptic notes and make it all coherent. Please blame all misspellings on my need for a new prescription. For lenses, that is.

Starting off with our man at the helm, Stephen Rosenfield, himself – he and Kate have added another budding comedian to our ranks with the August birth of their son, Nathaniel. Steve and his work were featured recently by WCBS-TV who named the Stand-Up Comedy Experience, “New York’s Comedy School”. Two film clips of classwork and participant performances were aired on the nightly news. Adding to that, the New York Times listed a gift certificate for the workshop as their first choice under the “Best this city has to offer.” On other fronts, Steve found time to write twenty, yes, twenty episodes of “New York Go”, a humorously presented survival guide for Japanese residents staying in the Big Apple – the show is currently airing on FCI, Japan’s largest TV network. Somehow, amidst all this, Steve still has time to teach the workshop, his first love, and turn out some top caliber new comic stars.

It seems that some of our workshop members are on their way to stardom.

Tom Schillue recently finished a T.V. pilot for a sketch comedy series called What’s Up? The series is now syndicated. It was directed by Art Wolff, and starred Tom, Tracey Ullman and Penn & Teller. Tom also appeared on Law & Order, Downtown at Comic Strip for HBO, and is performing on Standup Standup on Comedy Central, and just finished a year-long run of Gas, Food, Talent at the West Bank, which will go back into production elsewhere next year.

Mary Dimino appeared on Comedy Central’s Short Attention Span Theater, The Jon Stewart Show, VH1, and America’s Talking’s Bugged. Over on ABC, Mary filled in as the studio audience warm-up act for the Les Brown Show. She will be appearing this coming March on HBO’s Real Sex. This summer she completed a successful road tour in El Paso, Texas and New Mexico, playing such clubs as the Comic Strip. Mary is also a regular on the New York circuit and has been seen at such colleges as Princeton University. And Mary still has time to perform with the troupe Prescription of Laughter Players who perform for AIDS benefits and VA hospitals throughout the tri-state area.

Sam Brown is appearing on Standup Standup on Comedy Central. He recently signed with DCA, and by the time this newsletter reaches you, will probably have also signed with Paradigm.

Out in T.V. land, Annie McNellis is appearing in HBO’s Real Sex this December and January and has been performing at clubs around town. Also appearing on Real Sex will be Ellen Loyd. Ellen is maintaining a regular performance schedule at the major NYC clubs and actively participating in benefits with Gilda’s Club, founded in memory of comedian Gilda Radner to bring the gift of laughter into the lives of people with cancer.

Matt Graff after developing an act through The Stand-Up Comedy Experience, applied the material to a sitcom script that landed him a screenplay assignment with a top producer in Hollywood.

Wendy Stuart has been co-hosting a home-shopping show and has been seen on America’s Talking shows Bugged and Am I Nuts. Casey Fraiser can be seen on Delta Force and is working with Bill Perski on her own sitcom. She also recently appeared in the film Tilt-a-Whirl. Marla Schultz was a top five contender for the host position on Talk Soup and is now performing everywhere, especially on Long Island at the Brokerage, Chuckles and McGuire’s, and at 55 Grove.

T.V. seemed to have been popular this year with our gang. Cathy Hogue appeared on the Montell Williams Show. D.D. Henderson was featured on Show Time At The Apollo and Girls Night Out. She is appearing at Kimono Bay in Philadelphia and Bedrocks on Long Island. D.D. also recently appeared in Faith Journey at the Lambs Theater.

Jim Gaffigan was featured on A&E’s Caroline’s Comedy Hour. Sunda Croonquist has been a guest on America’s Talking and on the Montell Williams Show. She is running the Friday night downstairs room at Break for the Border, where Femmes Fatales, one of New York’s best female comedy shows, is featured. Jerry Schulman was in a commercial for the World Wrestling Federation’s Summer Scam on the Fox network. Chris Cato was a regular last season on Black Entertainment Television’s Comic View and more recently has been appearing throughout Georgia at clubs like The Comeday Act Theater and Uptown Comedy Corner in Atlanta, A Comic Cafe in Marietta, and then popped up to Dayton, Ohio for a run at Joker’s.

In movieland, Jackie Garry is working on a documentary about stand-up comedians and a feature length independent movie to be shot this coming spring. Jordan Levinson is shooting a movie called Walking and Talking. He MC’s at the Laughing Bean and the Treehouse. He has appeared on America’s Talking and performs in clubs throughout New Jersey and Philadelphia. He can also be seen on HBO’s Real Sex. Jon Barrow is being managed by Peter Muller and just finished a film out in California called In the Kingdom of the Blind, the Man with the One Eye is King, which was written, produced and directed by Nick Valleogna. Jon also just appeared on the Andy Engle Show. John Bair appeared in sketches on Late Night with Conan O’Brien and Saturday Night Live and the remake of Miracle on 34th Street. He’s performing regularly at the Treehouse.

Frank Giresi has averaged around 200 sets a year (a lot of weekends, he says) on the tri-state road, emceeing and middling at such clubs as McGuire’s and Borderline Cafe on Long Island, Caroline’s, Comedy Cellar, New York Comedy Club (where he hosts Cigar Night), the Brokerage, Governor’s, and Dangerfield’s locally, Funny Pages and Smugglers Inn in Connecticut and various Holiday Inns…. He was featured in the Toyota Comedy Festival this year and in early November did a benefit for the Christina Lazar Foundation. Alison Larkin is performing regularly all around town and says, quote, “I”m continuing through life in a very English sort of way.”

Paul Reggio has been booking his own show into Comic Strip, Boston Comedy Club and Stand-Up New York, and is now being handled on the club and college circuit by New York Entertainment. He has also filmed commercials for McDonald’s, Cheerios and Coast soap. Alladin Ullah produced and appeared, with Santos, in Not in My Club Production’s Color Blind at Don’t Tell Mama. He was recently featured in an article in the New York Times and appeared on BET’s Comedy View. He also has performed at Hamilton College, Syracuse University, Johns Hopkins, and SUNY Purchase. In the “performing around town” clique is Jamie Hill, who has also just had his book Glossolalia published. Mike Mendola has been miking it up in front of the crowds at Don’t Tell Mama, West End Gate, Stand-Up New York and Caroline’s. A regular at Stand-Up New York, Caroline’s 55 Grove Street and New York Comedy Club, John McMenamin has also fit in performances at Denver Comedy Works, Nick’s Comedy Shop and the Comedy Cafe in Boston. He will be the headliner at the annual meeting of the Safety Clean Corporation in Marco Island, Florida, the M.C. of IRSA’s annual convention in San Francicsco, and will be the opener for comedians Jake Johansen and Brian Reagen. Our own John Roach recently won Stand-Up New York’s Ed Sullivan Impression Contest. John as also been out on the open mike circuit, and is developing a side career in voiceover work.

Mark Miton just did a promo for Fruitopia, completed a recent 15 week improvisation and prop comedy tour and has done several college tours. Way out-of-town was Patricia Carolan who spent the summer performing in Rome! Robert Grayson is performing stand-up in Australia and has appeared in Sydney at The Comedy Store. Brad Trachtman has been seen at Garvin’s in Washington, D.C. and as a regular at the New York Comedy Club.

Neil Warner has been seen at Don’t Tell Mama, Stand-Up New York and the Duplex. Prescott Tolk has been up front of the house at Comedy Cellar and PIp’s. Millie Michaels is a big hit out on Long Island at clubs such as Chuckles, McGuire’s, East Side Comedy, Konkoma Comedy Club and New York Comedy Club. Rick Diaz has been a regular at the Duplex and New York Comedy Club.

Andy Ostroy was one of this year’s winners in the Duplex’s Stars of Tomorrow competitions, and got to perform a follow-up 20 minute set in a later show. In the new rounds of competition, Marcie Lopez is in the finals. Josie Leavitt won the Funniest Westsider contest at Stand-Up New York this summer, is now performing regularly there, and just had her first out of town booking Northampton, Masschusetts. Her plants are doing nicely, thank you.

Marth Barbanell was just in the pre-show finals at Stand-Up New York and early this year won the Z-100 Amateur Night contest – a trip to Club Med in Port St. Lucie, Florida. Shelly Latham just did a commercial for the Super Cuts hair salons, is seen at open mikes all around town, and is producing and hosting Kitty’s Variety at the West End Club. She’s also doing a one person show as Marie Antoinette doing cabaret – a “historical comedy drag kind of thing”. John Dunn was host of the Cosmo/Smirnoff Dating Game. Dave Eisenstadt was booked at New York Comedy Club through the Roger Paul Agency. He also appeared at Toppers in Brooklyn.

Joan Keiter won a Boston Comedy Club contest and received a regular booking at the club. She appeared in September at the Red Door and is working on a screenplay and a video project. She’s also performing regularly at Anarchy, Comic Strip, 55 Grove Street and Don’t Tell Mama. Sue Yellin created an event called What’s So Funny About Business? which she performed for the Financial Woman’s Association. She performed stand-up and facilitated a workshop on humor in business. Mary Beth Mooney is in Wingnuts Improv at the Michael Carson Theater and has appeared in Collette Black’s shows at 55 Gove Street. She’s also a regular at Glady’s, Stand-Up New York, and the Duplex and did a recent benefit for the B’nai Brith (doing Irish Catholic comedy) and City of Hope. She likes to work private parties…. Danielle Politi took time out from local clubbing to do a road tour of the dairy state, Wisconsin. Carey Engalnder just got back from a year in Denver where she was a regular at The Comedy Works – they loved her New York City material. Robbie Robins is out in Cleveland emceeing shows at Sixth Street Down Under, as well as for the Rudy Ray Moore Show at The College.

Debbie Lauffer is appearing off-Broadway in Life Anonymous, a play be N. Richard Nash at the William Redfield Theater. She is also regularly doing late nights at the Kraine Theater in The Continuing Adventures of Dick Danger. Elsewhere in the theater world, Victor Verheghe just completed a run in Beirut at the John Houseman Studio. Starring in Death of an Angelfish at the Aaron Davis Theater is Marilyn Torres. Out at Vancortland Manor, Walter McWalter has been performing in The Miser, and at Irvington Town Hall he can be seen in You Can’t Take It With You.

Appearing in plays at the Gateway and New York Cafe is Guy Ellis. A Catered Affair, a “hilarious new comedy” directed by Jay L. Tanzi at the Madison Avenue Theater, featured Arje Shaw along with George W. George. Ken Savoy was in Atlantic City this year performing at Bally’s Grand Casino, where he won a trophy for his talent. He’s in the midst of writing the Cousin Kenny Show, which he says is for kids, parents and come to think of it, everybody, and will be touring schools, theaters, hospitals and other picture postcards. If you know Ken, you’ll understand all that.

I’m always a big fan of those taking time out to do benefits, and Sally Franz is one of our major time-takers. She wrote and performed sketch comedy for homeless veterans in the Stand-Down Project for the Vets Bedside Network, and develops and conducts workshops for the U.S. Committee for UNICEF. Around all that she manages a regular performance schedule and a recnet guest shot on CNBC’s Bugged on America’s Talking, where she let the world know just exactly what bugs her about New York City.

Ellen Orchid appeared in an August 16 article in The National Enquirer about her appearance on The Jane Whitney Show (and, obviously, appeared on the show). She had a baby girl, Deborah Joy, on July 31st, 7lb 4oz. She performed at the Treehouse in Danbury in October an dis working for Hospital Audience, Inc. doing benefits for Hearts & Voices.

Sallie O’Elkordy has turned her comic talents to the philanthropic fundraising world, bringing the show Laugh for a Cure to patients at Sloan Kettering and New York University Hospitals. She also has her own show, Comedy’s Sallie Hour, which has run at 55 Grove Street, New York Comedy Club and the Comic Strip. Sallie has joined forces with comedian Hawk Davis in an act called, for no apparent reason, Hawk and Sallie, where, Sallie assures us, she’s having a hell of a good time.

Thanks to all who responded to our phone calls, sorry we didn’t get to everybody, but with almost 1,000 members of the wrokshop, there just wasn’t time. Please keep us informed of your comedy gigs! Call the office and let us know… so we can share the good news!

In the late 80s/early 90s I got involved with The Stand-Up Comedy Experience (now, American Comedy Institute) and had fun performing stand-up in clubs, and honing my comedy writing skills… the latter, at least, seems to have stuck with me.

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Très Veggie

Wednesday, November 2, 19940

GENRE
November 1994

Hungry Man
Très Veggie
Vegetarian Meals with a French Twist

When I think of France, I think of my grandmother, an adorable young man named Daniel, and food. Admittedly, being a chef, when I think of anything I think of food. But France, more than anywhere else on earth, seems to be inextricably entwined with visions of the pleasures of eating – often to excess.

The remnants of my grade-school French allow me to inquire how to get to the local métro stop, ask the whereabouts of the pen of my aunt, and understand the chorus to “Lady Marmalade.” Luckily, my kitchen French is a bit better, and I generally know what someone is talking about when they say omelette, bon bon, or café au lait. I even know the word for vegetables, légumes, though I admit I had to look up where to put the accent.

In considering French cooking, vegetables are not the first thing that comes to mind, let alone vegetarian cooking. Even the 1,193-page bible of French cuisine, the Larousse Gastronomique, grants a grand total of one paragraph to vegetarianism and two to veganism, the latter referring to the outdated belief that it’s difficult to have a balanced diet in such a strict regimen. On the other hand, vegetables and grains are the core of Niçois and Provençal cuisines in the south of France, and cooks there wouldn’t think of serving a meal without them. The Niçois even claim to know more than 70 ways to cook vegetables – a claim that puts Americans to shame, since most of us have trouble handling boil-in-the-bag peas.

The French also have a devotion to eggs and things dairy – cheese, milk, cream and butter. For those who are looking for the strictly vegetarian, it often looks like a challenge to cook in a French manner. Luckily, it is indeed possible to cook without dairy and not risk offending your nearest francophile.

Among the vegetables that are available, but not common in use in the U.S., is fennel. This beautiful light-green bulb has a crisp, slight licorice taste that is delicious raw in salads or braised to brighten those cool fall evening meals. Although simple, this recipe is guaranteed to delight your tastebuds.

Braised Fennel

6 fennel bulbs
2 tablespoons olive oil
salt and fresh black pepper
4 cups vegetable stock (yes, the omnivores among you may use chicken or beef stock)
¼ cup white wine

Trim the hard outer stalks of the fennel bulbs and wash and dry the bulbs. Heat the olive oil in a large pan. Sprinkle the bulbs with salt and pepper and quickly sauté in the olive oil until they just begin to color. Add stock (though homemade would be preferred, bouillon cubes dissolved in water is acceptable) and the wine, and bring to a boil. Reduce the heat to low, cover the pan and simmer for an hour until the bulbs are tender to the touch. Slice the bulbs lengthwise, season with salt and pepper, and serve hot. Makes enough for six as a side dish or two as a main course.

Carrots are among the favorite vegetables for many of us. I don’t know if it’s the bright orange color that reminds us of our school days in the safety patrol, or that buttery, sugary taste of candied carrots that mom used to make for special occasions. Updating that classic French dish gives us something that will bring a smile to any adult’s face, let alone a kid’s.

Carrot Fondue

(Fondue is not only the name for the classic Swiss dish with all those long color-coded forks and a bubbling pot of some unknown substance in the center of the table, but also a classic French cooking method of slowly cooking vegetables in butter or cream until very soft. Obviously, this one isn’t for the strict vegans.)

4 carrots
1 pint of heavy cream
salt and freshly ground pepper
Angostura bitters
2 tablespoons Madeira wine
2 tablespoons honey

Peel and finely dice the carrots, or thinly slice them. Put them in a heavy saucepan and cover them with the cream. Add a dash of bitters and the wine. Bring to a simmer and cook over very low heat until the carrots are soft and the cream has mostly absorbed into them. Add the honey, stir and serve. Makes enough for one to four, depending on how far you get from the stove before you taste….

Genre is a gay “lifestyle” and travel magazine. It was launched in 1992 by three entrepreneurs, two of whom shortly thereafter left to found QSF magazine. I went with them…

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Breaking the Fast with Breakfast

Saturday, July 2, 19940

GENRE
July 1994

Hungry Man
Breaking the Fast with Breakfast
The Meal Nobody Eats

In the course of an average day, the mythical average American adult watches four hours and 12 minutes of television and flips through a magazine for entertainment, and, no doubt, for the half-dozen breakfast ads for cereal, orange juice, coffee, English muffins, and at least one of a small child berating a parent for not eating a Pop-Tart. We are a culture obsessed with a meal we don’t even eat: breakfast.

We have to go to the gym. We have to get to the bank. We have to finish paperwork. We have to get dressed. We have no time. We have to get a child off to school. We have nothing in the cupboards or refrigerator that looks good. Basically, if whatever deity may or may not exist up in the sky thought breakfast was so important, it would have made the menus much more interesting.

Most of us grew up on breakfast cereal. Lovely little flakes, crunchy nuggets and colorful, squishy marshmallows abounded in bowls all across America. Prepackaged and processed breakfast cereal was introduced in the 1860s to the unsuspecting public by an equally unsuspecting cadre of Seventh-Day Adventists at their sanitarium in Battle Creek, Michigan. The latter were merely trying to add to their vegetarian diet. The former just wanted something to eat besides bacon and eggs.

Squirreled away (can I use squirreled in relation to a sanitarium?) in the facility was one C.W. Post. And living nearby was local resident W.K. Kellogg. Need I say any more about what happened between that sanitarium and Madison Avenue?

I am of the opinion that breakfast should provide your most balanced meal of the day. A proper selection for each of the four basic food groups is an absolute necessity: sugar, fat, salt, and caffeine. So yes, a sardine omelet, Bavarian cream doughnut and espresso would be a proper breakfast. But thanks, I won’t be joining you this morning.

We don’t want our nutritionists to keel over wholesale in horror. (Well, maybe just some of them.) In order to achieve the proper balance and still provide for something that the remaining nutritionists would only gasp politely at, we have to get creative.

About a squillion years ago, a friend gave me a coffee recipe guaranteed to charm that special guest on a first Saturday morning. that was back in the days when we believed in one-night stands and weekend romances. We have, of course, outgrown that belief. My friend called this Brazilian Coffee; I haven’t really a clue why, and neither do my Brazilian friends.

Brazilian Coffee

Serves 2

1 cup strong, fresh coffee
1 tablespoon sugar
a pinch of salt
1 ounce bittersweet chocolate
1 cup half & half (or ½ cup milk and ½ cup heavy cream)
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cinnamon stick

Combine the coffee, sugar and salt in a pan. Warm over medium heat until the sugar dissolves. Add the chocolate and continue cooking, stirring steadily, for three minutes. Whisk the half & half and the vanilla into the mixture and continue cooking another three minutes. Break the cinnamon stick in half, put each piece in a large coffee mug and pour the coffee mixture over.

That wasn’t so hard, was it? How about baking up a few muffins to impress that stud muffin still asleep in the other room?

Citrus (Stud) Muffins

1½ cups all-purpose flour
3 tablespoons sugar
2½ teaspoons baking powder
½ teaspoon salt
1 egg
¾ cup milk
⅓ cup unsalted butter
grated rinds of 1 orange, 1 lime and 1 lemon

Preheat your oven to 400 degrees. Sift together the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt. Melt the butter over low heat. Beat the eggs, milk, butter and grated rinds together and stir into flour mixture. Stir until just mixed; if you stir too much, the muffins will be chewy. Pour into greased muffin cups (⅔ full in each one) and bake for 20 minutes, until a toothpick stuck in the center comes out clean, and the tops are golden brown. Makes about a dozen.

And that about covers our four basic food groups. So get creative with your mornings. And next time someone says you can have two eggs “any style,” let’s see just what kind of style you have…

Genre is a gay “lifestyle” and travel magazine. It was launched in 1992 by three entrepreneurs, two of whom shortly thereafter left to found QSF magazine. I went with them…

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Is It Soup Yet?

Monday, May 2, 19940

GENRE
May 1994

Hungry Man
Is It Soup Yet?
The True Test of a Chef’s Artistry

I grew up, like most of us thirty-somethings, believing that soup came in little red-and-white cans. Then it started coming in little red-and-white foil envelopes in little red-and-white boxes. We were red-and-white with wonder. Both versions said to mix with water, heat, and serve. Wow! Food even a college freshman could cook.

By the time I was 18 or so, I must have tried chicken with or without vegetables, rice, noodles, or matzo balls, beef with vegetables or barley, split pea with ham, and French onion with cheese and croutons. I hated cream of tomato.

I’m not 18 anymore (sorry, guys) and I’ve tried soup that comes out of a real pot. I realize it’s not as simple as opening a can or box, but the little bit of inconvenience is worth it. It’s not hard. Put solid things in liquid things. Cook or not. Soup.

Okay, so there are a few things that might not qualify. You won’t find me simmering pebbles (the stone kind, not the fruity) and chocolate chips in basil vinegar. Really. I’m not even sure we could get anyone to agree that it’s soup, even if it fits the technical definition. I’m also not putting it on the lunch menu. Trust me.

Soup fills the world of literature, from the Mock Turtle’s tribute in verse to “Beautiful Soup” in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland to Robert Browning’s Hamelin rats lapping it up left and right. Whether it is the creation of a culinary genius like Fritz Brenner in Rex Stout’s Nero Wolfe mysteries, or the production of the entire village in Marcia Brown’s Stone Soup, soup is a mainstay of the dining table.

To the best of my knowledge, every human culture on this planet and two others makes soup. There are simple ones, like Italian Stracciatella, with its flakes of egg and cheese sprinkled through chicken broth, or Kaeng Tom Yam Kung, from Thailand, with beautiful shrimp and lemongrass simmered in hot spices. There are thick soups – New England Clam Chowder, Vermont Cheddar Cheese, English Mulligatawny, and Algerian Cherbah. Even life itself started in a primordial soup.

In the professional world, a chef’s soups are considered a mark of his or her abilities. The French chef must have perfectly seasoned broths, crystal-clear consommés, and rich, unctuous flavors. The Japanese kokku is noted for stunning presentations of sea life in clear dashi, with simple, clean flavors. And Aunt Edna is noted for bowls of fresh chicken broth, each with a matzo ball you could knock down tenpins with.

There is an old Spanish proverb, “Of soup and love, the first is best.” (Well, actually, it’s “De sopa y amor, el primero es mejor.”) Whomever first said it was obviously experienced in such matters. It is spring, and it’s clear to me that if spring is a time for love, it is, even more, a time for soup.

Gazpacho Soup

Gazpacho is the perfect spring or summer soup, served cold, with crisp, clean vegetable flavors. Not only that, but it’s easy to make. This version serves six.

3 ripe tomatoes
1 cucumber
1 yellow onion
1 green pepper
1 carrot
2-3 cloves garlic
3 tablespoons really, really good olive oil
1 tablespoon red wine vinegar
¼ cup good sherry
2 teaspoons salt
½ teaspoon black pepper
½ cup fresh herbs, like mint, marjoram, or parsley
1 cup ice water

Finely chop the tomatoes, carrot, garlic and herbs. Peel and seed the cucumber. Dice the cucumber, onion and pepper. Mix all ingredients in a large bowl, and keep cold until ready to serve. Adjust seasoning to taste; add additional ice water if needed to thin the soup.

Leek Soup

Okay, you have to cook this one, but it’s worth it.

2 large leeks, coarsely chopped
3 cups chicken stock
2 cups milk
1 teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon white pepper
¼ teaspoon mace (the spice, not the spray…)
4 teaspoons butter
thick sliced whole-wheat bread
brick cheese, grated
parmesan cheese, grated

Sauté leeks in butter until limp but not browned. Add milk, stock, and seasonings. Simmer 30 minutes. Put slices of bread in individual oven-proof soup crocks. Fill with soup, top with grated cheeses. Broil until brown and bubbly. Serves four.

Genre is a gay “lifestyle” and travel magazine. It was launched in 1992 by three entrepreneurs, two of whom shortly thereafter left to found QSF magazine. I went with them…

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Bitter, Sweet and Semi-Sweet

Wednesday, February 2, 19940

GENRE
February 1994

Hungry Man
Bitter, Sweet and Semi-Sweet
The Shocking Tale of Chocolates and Love

Valentine’s Day 1969, I was 11. The Vatican dropped Lupercalia from the festival calendar. We were writing cards. I carefully lettered across its face, “Dear Irene… Would you be my valentine?” Irene wasn’t “my type,” but Mouseketeer Cubby was beyond my reach. A casual affair with my best friend Mike was still four years away and he was carefully lettering a card to his future wife.

Perusing several conflicting encyclopedias, I determined that Valentine’s Day as we know it has nothing to do with either of the St. Valentines. Unless it does. It is fairly certain that the St. Valentines did not know each other, unless of course, they were the same person, which they might have been. They certainly didn’t know Pope Valentine, the three Emperors Valentinus, the duke or duchess of Valentinois, or Rudolph Valentino, none of whom showed up in Rome until quite sometime after the Valentines were dearly departed. It is, however, entirely possible that Valentine’s Day has something to do with Lupercalia.

You see, after the martyrdom of the Valentines in the 3rd Century, like other saints, they got their own feast day. On February 14th. On the following day, February 15th, was Lupercalia. In this highly amusing festival in honor of Faunus, the Roman god of flocks and fertility and the inventor of the oboe, young men sacrificed a couple of goats and a dog, and then chased young women around, hitting them with goatskin whips. This was intended to make childbirth less unpleasant for the women. By comparison, no doubt.

In a dazzling display of logic and complete disregard for calendars, feast days and the sanctity of wife beating, folks in the mid-14th century turned Valentine’s Day into a celebration of love and courtship. Makes perfect sense. This brings us to my life, Valentine’s Day 1969, and goatskin whips. Which, using virtually the same logical pathways, leads me to chocolate.

I’m not talking about the wimpy, waxy, washed-out chocolate of your average candy bar from the corner grocery. How about something silky, smooth and sexy that is completely addictive and an aphrodisiac to boot?

From Theobroma Cacao, the cocoa plant, to that rich, gooey, melted mess in front of you – how does it get there? Pods. Each pod is filled with seeds. The seeds are removed and left on banana leaves to ferment in the sun. Then the seeds are roasted and hulled.

The seeds are crushed, turning into a paste called chocolate liquor. This is pressed to separate the cocoa butter from the cocoa solids. The cocoa butter is either blended right back into the solids to make unsweetened chocolate or sent to Coppertone. (So, drizzling chocolate on your body is not as kinky as you thought.) Sugar, in varying amounts, is added to make dark extra bitter, bitter, and semi-sweet chocolates. For milk chocolate, milk solids are added. You don’t even want to know from white chocolate…

The more cocoa butter, the richer the chocolate. Any good brand should say what percentage it contains. Trust me, you want at least 50%, no matter what your diet plan. Valrhona and Calebaut are considered just about the best makes out there. They’re worth the extra bucks.

More than you ever wanted to know about chocolate? Okay, I’ll make it up to you. How about a treat for someone special? Or perhaps they’d like a goatskin whip?

COGNAC TRUFFLES

8 ounces of heavy cream
1 pound bittersweet or semisweet chocolate
1 ounce butter, room temperature
1 ounce cognac
cocoa powder

Chop the chocolate finely on a dry cutting board and put in the mixing bowl of an electric mixer. Bring the cream to a boil and pour over the chocolate. Let it stand for two minutes and stir until smooth. Beat in the softened butter and let the mixture cool. On medium speed, beat in the cognac. If you have a pastry bag, pipe out balls of the mixture about ¾” in diameter on wax paper. If you don’t have a pastry bag, use a tablespoon. Place in the refrigerator to set. When firm, roll the balls lightly between your hands to smooth and soften the surface and then roll in cocoa powder.

Will you be my valentine?

Genre is a gay “lifestyle” and travel magazine. It was launched in 1992 by three entrepreneurs, two of whom shortly thereafter left to found QSF magazine. I went with them…

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The Festival of the Green Goddess

Friday, December 10, 19930

Outlet Radio Network
December 2003

The Festival of the Green Goddess

“Why, really Sir, a play requires so much attention,– it is scarce possible to keep awake if one listens; – for, indeed, by the time it is evening, one has been so fatigued with dining, – or wine, – or the house, – or studying, – that it is – it is perfectly an impossibility.” – Evelina, Letter XX

Thankfully for British actor George Arliss, this wasn’t the case when he appeared in the play “The Green Goddess” in San Francisco. In fact, the play was so wildly successful that it was made into a silent film in 1923 and a “talkie” in 1930. In fact Mr. Arliss played the antagonist, the Rajah of Rukh, in all three productions. It was such a popular story, and his performance so brilliant, that he was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Actor. He did lose, but to himself, as he was also nominated for Best Actor for his portrayal of Disraeli in the eponymous film!

But back to the 1920-21 theater season, and George Arliss was staying at The Palace Hotel. Someone, and it has been suggested that it was Arliss himself, thought that the hotel should do something in honor of his success. The chef in the hotel’s exquisite kitchen, clearly influenced by suggestions of greenery and the like, created a crab and romaine salad in honor of the consummate actor. Green Goddess dressing was born.

Now, I remember Green Goddess dressing fondly from my childhood. It was the 60’s, and mothers across the country were swept up in the home economics trend. Packaged foods, premixed sauces and dressings were the rage. I have no doubt that the Green Goddess we were offered on many a night with our salad was from Kraft. We were all quite cosmopolitan feeling when we were allowed to choose our own salad topper from an array of bottles.

The basic premise of this culinary delight is a salad with some sort of seafood, and a dressing made of mayonnaise, anchovies, herbs and spices – heavy on the tarragon. Since the original this sauce has been used on other sorts of salads, as an accompaniment to broiled fish, and as a tasty topping for steamed artichokes. It is quite versatile, and much like Caesar dressing, for those of you who think you don’t like anchovies, you’ll never know they’re there.

There is a classic recipe, the one created by our aforementioned chef. There are also more variations on the theme than I care to count. A quick Google search revealed more than 2,400 recipes, no doubt many of them are repeats of each other, but clearly a rather large vat of salad dressing! I looked for some of the more interesting, though admittedly I did not wade through all the entries available. There are even more entries for the green lady when one includes that Green Goddess is also a euphemistic term for the hallucinogenic drink absinthe, some various druidic sorts, and even a character from the original Tarzan series.

I’m always fascinated by the evolution of recipes. Numerous chefs substituted for the classic mayonnaise – cream, cottage cheese, tofu, and buttermilk all made appearances. Fresh herbs versus dried herbs (not surprisingly, the main of these being from the McCormick spice company’s website). To anchovy or not? And if so, whole, chopped, or paste? There was even a recipe that was little more than pureed frozen peas with some herbs and soy sauce tossed in. My one constraint in selecting recipes to try was that they had to include at least some of the three primary flavors – tarragon, garlic and anchovies.

Being the intrepid sort in the kitchen, my plan was to whip up a few of these concoctions, toss in the bottled variety for comparison, and have some friends over for a taste test. It was a raving success, mostly accompanied by the good humor that my acquaintances have in assisting me with these bizarre whims that I shower on them. We even had a contest for who could pick out the original recipe (the first person to get it did it by deductive reasoning – 1920s, no blenders, so eliminated the blender versions; it was a hotel kitchen – had to be the one that tasted most like mayonnaise… he was right!).

We had an immediate setback. Despite scouring the shelves of grocery stores throughout the area, not one bottle of Green Goddess was found. A visit to Kraft’s website yielded no clues as to whether they make it anymore, but was quite scary in the discovery of the number of brands that they own. A morning was spent shopping, blending and mixing, veggies were cut (for dipping), the table was set, and the Open House Festival of the Green Goddess was on!

So, how did the half dozen entries fare?

The very 70s version based on yogurt, fresh herbs, and lime juice was quickly voted the Weakest Link and headed for the drain. We decided it might have made an okay dip for a steamed artichoke, but had little else to offer.

The evaporated milk based recipe had good flavor but was the consistency of, well, milk. It required a spoon to eat it as it ran right off of anything dipped into it. Not quite the Weakest Link, but headed down the tubes right behind the one that was.

Mixed reviews came in for a recipe from the Cook for Good Health cookbook. Some of us liked it, some didn’t – with its base of fat free cottage cheese and pureed cucumber. One thing was clear, it didn’t fit the Green Goddess mold in flavor, and it was relegated to the sidelines.

In third place, the entry from the spice company, McCormick. This was the only entry based on dried herbs and spices, so I was curious to see how it would fare, and it did well. I’m not totally surprised, my McCormick Spice Cookbook is still one of my most used tomes. The flavor of this one was quite good, and ran a very close third place to the second place winner…

…which was the original recipe from The Palace Hotel. Both of these were mixed versions based on mayonnaise and not pureed in the blender. Though it was clear that the original had more subtle flavors than the McCormick version, and the mayo showed through more clearly, most of us liked that. It fit the idea of a crab and romaine salad, stood the test of time, and showed why some recipes are classics.

However, the first place award went to the dressing recipe from the Velvet Turtle restaurant chain. This chain of no frills, no surprises restaurants is, I believe, no longer, but at one time operated in the southern California area. The recipe was the most complex of all the entries, and had some of the most intense flavors. The garlic and anchovy came through loud and clear, the tarragon was barely there, but we liked it, we really liked it!

So, I give you the top three recipes. Have fun with them!

McCormick’s Green Goddess Dressing – Bronze Whisk

Mix together in a bowl:

3 cups mayonnaise
¼ cup white wine vinegar
1 can (2 oz) anchovy fillets, mashed
1 tablespoon dry minced onion
1 tablespoon dry parsley flakes
1 tablespoon dry tarragon leaves
1 tablespoon dry chopped chives
⅛ teaspoon onion powder
⅛ teaspoon garlic powder

Let stand for at least 30 minutes to blend the flavors and soften the dried ingredients (which, of course, McCormick’s specifies as their own brand).

The Palace Hotel’s Green Goddess Dressing – Silver Whisk

Mix together in a bowl:

2 cups mayonnaise
1 mashed garlic clove
4 minced anchovy fillets
1 chopped green onion
2 teaspoons chopped fresh parsley
2 teaspoons chopped fresh chives
1 teaspoon chopped fresh tarragon
1 tablespoon tarragon vinegar

Mix well and let stand to blend flavors. Classically, the garlic clove is just mashed on the inside of the serving bowl, much like a caesar salad – that way the garlic is much more subtle – I just used a smaller clove…

The Velvet Turtle’s Green Goddess Dressing – Gold Whisk

Place in a blender:

2 cups mayonnaise
2 tablespoons anchovy paste
1 cup sour cream
1½ teaspoons seasoned salt (I used Lawry’s because it’s what I grew up on)
3 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
5 garlic cloves
1½ medium onion
1/2 teaspoon dry mustard
1 tablespoon tarragon vinegar
1½ teaspoon celery seed
1½ teaspoon thyme
1½ ripe avocado
1½ teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
a couple drops of green food coloring

Blend until very smooth and let sit for flavors to meld.

I started writing food & wine columns for the Outlet Radio Network, an online radio station in December 2003. They went out of business in June 2005.

December 2003

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Pumpkin Pie Pot Lucks

Thursday, December 2, 19930

GENRE
December 1993

Hungry Man
Pumpkin Pie Pot Lucks
Getting Over Overeating and Overworking

There is a stretch of road up ahead. It doesn’t lead to the Emerald City and it’s not paved with yellow brick. It leads elsewhere and is paved with good intentions. You set foot on the roadway. Your head fills with visions of relatives not seen since your last passage popping up like earthworms after a storm. The long road home, the Holiday Highway, get your kicks on Route 666.

This dark and twisting path winds its way from Roast Turkey to Popcorn & Beer, passing through Pumpkin Pie, Baked Ham, Plum Pudding, and Latkes. A fleeting festival opening on Thanksgiving and folding with SuperBowl Sunday. The former being one of the two important proclamations Abraham Lincoln made in 1863; the latter, apparently, some sort of sports event.

Two food traditions permeate the holidays. The first is overeating. By everyone. Repeatedly. All those months at the gym, all that stretching and bending, touching your toes, crunching your abs – gone in a binge the likes of which hasn’t been seen since the Roman Empire. Tradition number two is overwork – usually by mom or grandmom – slaving away like Lincoln never did issue that Emancipation Proclamation.

Pigging out at the groaning board is something you’ll have to work out for yourself. I’ll save dieting for a future column. On the other hand, overwork can be handled by returning to the original traditions of most of these holidays. Everyone who comes to celebrate contributes to the food table. Potluck.

For most of us, potluck conjures up images of social events that our parents dragged us to. Places where the food consisted of cold, greasy chicken, eighteen casserole dishes of everyone’s favorite baked bean and potato salad recipes, and much too much green jello mold with fruit cup. Does it have to be that way? I think not. Even if you know you can’t cook, you know you have friends who can. Get out those invitation cards and get busy.

Whether you’re hosting dinner for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Chanukah, New Year’s, or even Human Rights Day (December 10th for those who aren’t sure), it’s time to put your foot and your whisk down. As host, take on the main course. It’s usually the least transportable. Turkey, a ham, roast chicken, fish, baked cauliflower, a walnut and mushroom roast. Your guests bring everything else. It makes for a communal event, everyone feels, justifiably, like they contributed. You’d be amazed at the wide range of cooking talent displayed.

In the best of all worlds, you’re not always the host. Sometimes someone else gets to clean their apartment, before and after the party. If dinner isn’t at your place, what do you bring? A casserole? Not one of those tuna and noodle things with cream of mushroom soup and potato chip crumbs on top. Maybe a mix of fresh vegetables in a spicy tomato sauce. Or layers of eggplants and squashes with cheese and herbs. Dessert? Pies, cakes, brownies, fruit marinated in liqueur.

One of my favorite dishes can be used as an appetizer, a side dish, or even a main course: Garlic-Mushroom Sauté. It’s simple, tasty, and your friends will be begging for the recipe. Just smile and tell them to subscribe to GENRE. Maybe that path home won’t look so foreboding after all.

GARLIC-MUSHROOM SAUTÉ

2 pounds of “wild” mushrooms (mix several different varieties like portobellos, chanterelles, shiitakes), sliced
4 cloves of garlic, finely chopped
¼ cup of good olive oil
½ cup white wine
¼ cup heavy cream
¼ cup soy sauce
a couple sprigs of thyme (or ½ teaspoon dry thyme)

You will need a large, covered frying pan to hold all the mushrooms. Sauté the chopped garlic and thyme in olive oil until the garlic starts to brown. Add the mushrooms and stir. Add the wine, cover the pan, and turn the heat down to low. Let the mushrooms cook for about five minutes until soft and cooked through. Uncover, turn the heat back up, and add the cream and soy sauce. Stir to coat and let the sauce thicken slightly. If you’re bringing this to a holiday dinner, place in an oven-proof dish and reheat before serving. Makes enough for 4 main-course or 8 appetizer/side dish servings.

In keeping with the custom of quaffing quantities of spirits along with holiday gastronomic delights, I thought I’d offer the most traditional of all holiday libations: the Egg Nog – slightly updated, of course.

EGG NOG

12 eggs
1 pound sugar
1 quart Jamaica Rum
1 pint Peach Brandy
3 pints heavy cream

Separate eggs (yolks from whites, not from each other) and beat yolks with the sugar until frothy. Slowly add cream and then liquors, stirring constantly. Beat the egg whites until stiff and fold half of them into the yolk mixture. Pour in a punch bowl and float the remaining egg whites on top. Try not to imbibe at one sitting!

Genre is a gay “lifestyle” and travel magazine. It was launched in 1992 by three entrepreneurs, two of whom shortly thereafter left to found QSF magazine. I went with them…

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Aussie Dishes

Saturday, October 2, 19930

GENRE
October 1993

Hungry Man
Aussie Dishes
Vegemite Sandwiches and Kangaroo Tails for All

GenreThere’s a bistro in the heart of Sydney that serves Pineapple Right-Side-Up Cake. Australians with a sense of humor about themselves? Could be…

In digging my way through to the other side of the world, I suddenly found myself down-under an avalanche of unfamiliar dishes. I decided to pass over the “bush tucker” of the outback with its fruit bats, witjuti grubs, kangaroo tails, honey-ants and blue tongue skinks. A couple hundred years of colonial cuisine did little to alleviate my bewilderment, what with yabbies, Moretan Bay bugs, pie floaters, dog’s eye and dead horse, damper, ANZAC biscuits, lamingtons, tim tams, vegemite, and pluto dogs.

I stayed on the yellow brick road, watched out for the witch, and found myself in “Oz Mod,” the new cuisine of Australia. The climate and isolation of this former penal colony have given rise to a spectacular array of fruits, vegetables, mushrooms, meats and seafood – many species found nowhere else on earth. Settlers from across our spinning orb have spiced the cuisine with everything from thyme and tarragon to star anise and wattle seeds. In a land where lemons grow on trees in the backyard, and papayas, passion fruit, custard apples, and mangoes are available at roadside markets, anything is possible.

On one hand, fish, low fat, and low alcohol are in fashion. On the other hand, Australians are the third-largest consumers of ice cream on the globe, and incredible ingesters of sugar, averaging a whopping 100 pounds of sugar per year, each. The “national” dessert of Australia, Pavlova, is a sugary meringue basket filled with fruit and whipped cream.

Just what is Oz Mod? To answer that I must point out that Australia is big. Nearly three million square miles of land area, almost 1,500 miles north to south by 2,000 miles east to west. Regional tastes can be as different as New England Clam Bkaes, Shrimp Creole, and Chili are in the U.S. My trek through the menus from coast to coast came up with a sampling that ranged from Indonesian-influenced King Prawns in Lime Sauce in southern Adelaide, through Mideast-style Lamb with Dried Fruits in eastern Sydney, to the very French Coral Trout with Beurre Blanc in northern Port Douglas, on to Italian inspired Grilled Kid Chops with Rosemary and Garlic in western Perth, and even south across the water, where a delicate Carpaccio of Tasmanian Salmon with Caviar and Edible Flower Confetti awaited in Hobart.

Since your local market may not carry warrigal greens, bunya nuts, or Balmain bugs, many “authentic” Australian recipes didn’t seem appropriate to share here. So, I picked a little favorite that you can make the next time you want to impress that special someone. Australian wines are in this year, so make your toasts with an outstanding Riesling from the Hunter Valley.

Sautéed Trout with Macadamia Nuts

2 fresh trout, each ½-¾ lb., gutted and scaled (leave the head and tails on)
½ cup chopped macadamia nuts
½ cup flour
1 tablespoon salt
1 teaspoon ground pepper
1 teaspoon grated orange peel
½ lb. fresh spinach
¼ cup safflower or other light oil
chopped parsley and lemon wedges for garnish

Heat a large (big enough to hold the two trout) frying pan over medium heat, add about half the oil and the nuts and sauté until just starting to color. Remove the nuts and set aside on paper towel to drain.

Mix the flour, salt, pepper, and orange peel in a plastic bag, put in fish and shake to coat thoroughly (one at a time). Add remaining oil to the pan, sauté the fish 5-6 minutes on each side until the skin is browned and when you look at the inside, the fish should be cooked through. Remove the fish and drain the oil out of the pan.

Quickly toss the spinach in the hot pan until just wilted. Mix in half the nuts, spread out on two plates. Lay whole fish on top of spinach bed. Top with the remaining nuts, chopped parsley and a couple of lemon wedges. Serves two. (Oh, if you just can’t deal with a whole fish, use fillets, and only cook for 2-3 minutes on each side.)

Special thanks for some of my Australian menu research to Kit Snedaker, Harry O’Neil, and Christine Cook.

Genre is a gay “lifestyle” and travel magazine. It was launched in 1992 by three entrepreneurs, two of whom shortly thereafter left to found QSF magazine. I went with them…

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